Black women and marriage – Who will tell the truth?
It is easier to cast black women as undesirable – too educated, too black, too … you know those names you keep calling them. But have you ever stopped to analyze the stats? Generally, marriage in the US has considerably dropped for every race … not just for the black woman.
The marriage rate for African Americans has been dropping since the 1960s, and today, we have the lowest marriage rate of any racial group in the United States. In 2001, according to the U.S. Census, 43.3 percent of black men and 41.9 percent of black women in America had never been married, in contrast to 27.4 percent and 20.7 percent respectively for whites. African American women are the least likely in our society to marry. In the period between 1970 and 2001, the overall marriage rate in the United States declined by 17 percent; but for blacks, it fell by 34 percent …
So I guess its safe to say that we are all doomed. Lemme look at this critically:
Find your soulmate on AfroRomance
When I look around, I get to see most black women are single … not alone though. Just single. There is a difference. These women are healthy and wealthy and have boyfriends, friends with benefits, partners or whatever you would like to call them. But when it comes to walking down the aisle, there seems to be an issue … especially for the high-powered, financially stable, well educated black women. Something is holding her back maybe …
May be in the 21st century, most sisters are battling with the thoughts for or against getting married. Maybe circumstances have put marriage out of reach. And as Baz Luhrman puts it in is free (to wear sunscreen)' :
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t,
Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t,
Maybe you’ll divorce at 40,
Maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…
What ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either
– your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
So just because your race's stats look much better, or just because you got married, maybe its just luck. I don't know. Take me for example: When I was in my 20s, I was in no hurry to get married. I mean, who was to do all the travelling, take classes, build my career, date and date and date…? Those were the days when being single was the life and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It was a choice I had made; not to wait for Prince Charming. Now, I do want to get married. And I just can't seem to get all those men who used to propose to me in my 20s - when I was least interested - to do it now. Maybe the choice to get married is half chance after all.
Forgetting the stereotypical excuses we coin to try and explain why most black women aren’t married; like lack of good black men, black women are too picky or too mean, I need to find out exactly what the black woman thinks about marriage … from her point of view. Others are also welcome to tell us what they think, but count me out if you step on a sista’s toes ;-) .
Instead of saying black women can’t get married, maybe we should ask: Do black women really want to get married? Are the single ones single by choice or is the choice to get married really ‘half chance’ as Baz Luhrman puts it?
***HAVE A GREAT 2009 FILLED WITH MUCH LOVE AND HAPPINESS - RIA***
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270 responses to "Black women and marriage – Who will tell the truth?"
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NOPLAYER says:Posted: 27 Jan 09Dawnshye "I think that may be why we BW are expanding our horizons. Some of us are tired of trying to figure out the messed up circumstance that has become an ilk in the fabric of our race. Some of us finally got the message God sends as waiting for one who is equally yoked." Please, feel free to expand your horizons and never limit yourself ! Seek the best that life has to offer. The messed circumstances that some of you are tired of trying to figure out, within OUR RACE are not just limited to OUR RACE. Don't believe for a second whitemen, asian men and hispanic men don't have similar ISSUES that rear their ugly heads and interfer with their relationships. " I am blessed to have both my parents willing to sacrifice to send my sibling and I to private school and to do everything they can to provide and care for us. Should I not be entitled to someone of a similar background? How can I rejoice in the love that was given to me when the person with whom I want to share it, does not know the meaning of it? And is it my job to make sure that he gets a chance to experience it? Why should that responsibility fall on me?" Your were blessed to have the background that you have but having someone of a similar background, is no guarantee that they will be able to reciprocate the love that was given to you. It's nobody's job to do anything, that they don't want to do. You give " YOUR LOVE " to the one that's proven he's worthy of it. Backround ( as you have described it ) has nothing to do with a man's ability to appreciate and love a woman. Men from the worst backgrounds are capable of loving women. True love does not seek it's own. Being "equally yoked" from a Biblical stand point, if I'm not mistaken, has nothing to do with race,education, profession or income. It means being of the same belief or faith. If I'm wrong, somebody help me " GET RIGHT" ! " At what age do you lose the capacity to blame everyone else for internal impotence? " With all due respect, what you may call blame, others might call it diagnosis, trouble shooting or looking for the cause behind the effect! If I'm suffering from high blood pressure, I want to get better, I want to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for improving my health but prior to doing that, I need to know how I ended up with high blood pressure in the first place. " I say threatening because I see the potential for harm in one-sided diatribes explaining an entire subset of American culture to another. Where is the mutual communication? Yes, some of us as black women grew up father-less, penny-less and harmed but not all of us. " This book is nothing more than me and other men like me explaining how we feel about various issues that impact our relationship with our women. I don't claim to speak for ALL BLACKMAN, just myself and those that have giving me their input. Where's the mutual communication? It's the post that you just added to this blog, along with hours of heart to heart conversations with blk women of various backgrounds and not to mention the women closest to me ( my grandmother, mother, aunts, sisters and my own daughter ) ! I trully appreciate your input and hope to hear more of your point of veiw. James
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Dawnshyne says:Posted: 26 Jan 09
You know it is interesting that everyone is so concerned about the welfare of the black woman and how she chooses to deal with, handle or not handle men (of any race). NoPlayer, Steve Harvey has been threatening a book along a similar vein for a while now. I say threatening because I see the potential for harm in one-sided diatribes explaining an entire subset of American culture to another. Where is the mutual communication? Yes, some of us as black women grew up father-less, penny-less and harmed but not all of us. Some of us fall for the okie-doke not because we feel for our men but because that is simply not an event for which we ever had to prepare. I am blessed to have both my parents willing to sacrifice to send my sibling and I to private school and to do everything they can to provide and care for us. Should I not be entitled to someone of a similar background? How can I rejoice in the love that was given to me when the person with whom I want to share it, does not know the meaning of it? And is it my job to make sure that he gets a chance to experience it? Why should that responsibility fall on me? I think that may be why we BW are expanding our horizons. Some of us are tired of trying to figure out the messed up circumstance that has become an ilk in the fabric of our race. Some of us finally got the message God sends as waiting for one who is equally yoked. I have faith that there are more people out there who grew up as I did and know that the supreme call in life is to better your children and I also know those people are of every race and creed. However; because I live in this society and it is still overwhelmingly skewed in the favor of one race versus others than those numbers are skewed as well. Should I be "tolerated" because I choose to er on the side of mathematical probability instead of historical rhetoric? Should I have to apologize because I am NOT messed up? Come on, at what juncture do we as human beings say, "Yes all this messed up crap happened to me and affected my past but I will not allow it to affect my future."? When do we stop blaming mommy, the daddy that wasn't, the sucky environment and every other social liberalism and just move on? At what age do you lose the capacity to blame everyone else for internal impotence?
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NOPLAYER says:Posted: 26 Jan 09
MLT35 It's my goal to write this book with the next year or two. I don't want to rush this book because I want this book to be of great substance. My life is crazy at the moment because my job as a Dept. of Defense Contractor has me living and working in Germany, sometimes deploying to the Middle East, I go to the states for periodic trainning, plus I maintain a home in Mississippi, right outside of Memphis. I'm a country boy by heart and I love being out in the country if only for a few weeks throughout the year. The idea to write a book came from me keeping a diary, yeah it's very therapuetic and it's a self treatment for emotional constipation. LOL LOL "Yall know we crazy" You're laughing because you know I'm telling it right. I'm laughing along with you. LOL Talking to so many brothers, I find that we share so many of the same issues and I wonderd how would it affect our women if they knew some of these things. For example this morning, while walking my dog, I saw this brother walking his son to kindergarden,as I do most of the time and you can see and feel the love and admiration between them. Today, out of now where, I started feeling scared and vulnerable and I started thinking to myself, I want, "MY DADDY" ! Keep in mind I'm 37 years old, damn near 6ft and weighing close to 240 pounds, with three children of my on but I found myself wanting and needing my father. Whewwwwww ! The bond between a boy and his father is so crital to his emotional developement, that if not established and re-enforced, his developemnet is arrested. Sisters need to know that many of us suffer from "Deprivation Dwarf-ism" For those who may not know what this is, I'll try to explain it. Years ago a a group of orphaned new born babies were part of an experiment. They were split into two groups. While they were both feed the same food, at the same time, one group was deprived of human contact. The group of babies that were held, caressed touched and kissed, developed better than the other group. They weighed more, had thicker bone structure and had better motor skills than the other group. My father passed June of 2007 and we became closer over the last 10 years or so, but our relationship had been strained by his being absent emotionally from my life during my developing years due to my parents divorce. Sisters need to know these things because some of them sufferd from not only having absent fathers as little girls but now they find their men emotionaly absent. My goal is to get us to talking and to help tear down some of these misconceptions surounding our relationships. I'd title this book along the lines of: " Something I've Needed To Tell You, But Never Could" ! As mlt35 suggested, I'd hope workshops and group session would come as a result of our feeling comfortable with sharing, not just my thoughts or the thoughts of blk men but all men. I'm accepting of that fact that, interracial dating an marriage is here to stay, so we maay as well learn how to tolerate eachother. I hope with just a little exposure I can assist in building up your tolerence. Have you noticed, most nurses or doctors prior to giving you a shot will tell you, "ok you'll feel a little pinch, as if your arm wont hurt afterwards, man, do'nt they lie!!! Sisters trust when I tell you, this hurts me more than it hurts you ! So roll up your sleeve and turn your head! With love, James ( Your half-ass crazy brother )
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mlt35 says:Posted: 26 Jan 09NO PLAYER You are my hero again today!!! When are you writing that book my dear???!!! Any ideas for titles?? Maybe some of the women from the blog and site could send you our suggestions for book titles or offer to be apart of a focus group for research material. As you may know pursuing a doctoral degree is actually writing a bound book on your declared dissertation or book topic that have many similar book preparation steps for anyone writing a book. We really can all learn from one another,,,,if we share freely in love. I want one of the first 10 autograped copies o.k., boy are you a credit to all men, not just black men!! Seminars, interactive workshops, you could really be on to something....thanks for being a maverick....grrrrrrrrrr:) Remember....belief determines reality!!:) You made my weekend.:)!! M
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mlt35 says:Posted: 26 Jan 09
NO PLAYER I agree!!! Well said and I feel you that as black people many of us find one another and meet and marry in spite of media hype to show negative stereotypes etc. Many black women who also date outside of our race have not totally given up on black men but have added all men to the dating pool to increase the options of meeting and marrying our Mr. Right. Of course, I agree with our commmon bond but life is too short to limit opportunites especially on love. Thank you for pointing out that though there are challenges between black men and women there are also many positive relationships as well. My parents for example have been married for 45 years. I am happy to be a part of an open discussion on relationships between men and women because alot of these issues touch all groups irrespective of race. I applaud men who try their best to open up to their women about feelings and share from the heart. It is difficult sometimes for women as well but if we keep trying and striving to be better at relationships then as a group we are all positively affected. Thank you for being one of the black men who is reaching out to us to let us know directly that you still love us......we love you too. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are awesome!!!! I do not know about any other blog members but I have had conversations with at least 5 other people about this topic outside of this blog.... so indirectly the positive affect of open, positive, communication like this between black men and black women is spreading especially if other members on this blog are also engaging in positive converations about it outside of this blog. I enjoy reading all of the positive messages here. Remember....belief determines reality.
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NOPLAYER says:Posted: 26 Jan 09
That's another one of those foolsih assumptions. Many blk women tell me being beautiful, educated and professional is a curse at times. It's like you catch it from both sides. Your own men are mad at you and men from other ethnic groups are intimidated or jealous of you. It's like, you can't win for losing. I bet that has to be fustrating as hell? mlt35 I think the reason sisters still give relationships a chance, is because they can talk about their disappointments and not keep it bottled up on the inside. I find that these women still want to get married and have not giving up on love, yeah some have began dating interracially but most express the desire to marry blk men. Thats one of the things I love about our women, they love us inspite of ourselves! If only more of us could get it together or at least make an effort !
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mlt35 says:Posted: 26 Jan 09
It is funny how the assumption is that all ( majority )black women are born in a poor environment and after achieving a higher level of employment have some how now climbed into another social circle....some of us .....were born into the higher social circle and are open to dating men in all social circles ( white, black, latino, etc.) provided we have simliar relationship goals. In reality many times alot of black women come from higher social circles than white men as well.
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NOPLAYER says:Posted: 25 Jan 09
mlt35 I appreciated reading your feed back. You said some of the same things, other sisters had expressed to me. You trully came from the heart. I would not want my attemp to explain the reasons, for the negative behaviors of some blk men, to be seen as an excuse. There is none! It was my intent to make it known, that some of us recognize and understand the effects, of such behaviors and how it harms relationship between blk men and women. I think at times we focus too much on all the negative aspects within some blk relationships. We would be lead to believe that healthy and loving relationship are not found among blk couples. The media, books / magazine, movies and songs have done a hell of a job, to shape the perception that we are not capable making eachother happy. We know positive images about blacks don't make good news stories, aint it strange that we can get more coverage when we act a damn fool. Despite the baggage that some of us carry as men, we still attempt to form permanent unions. We try to be good husbands even though many of us never had that example up close while grewing up. We try to be good fathers, even if we had no relationship with our own father. Despite our handicaps we strive to be the men our women need. You have to give us credit because some of us really put forth the effort to make our unions strong. Sisters not all of your men believe the, "mad blk woman myth". We know even at your worst, you're still the best because you're ours. As mlt35 said you're our mothers, sisters, lovers, wives and friends. We have a bond that's deeper than any interracial relationship. I'm not knocking interracial relationships but I'm recognizing a shared history, a suffering, and sacrifice made by our women, on our behalf. Just know some of us are reaching out to you, yeah you're disappointed and you feel let down, but inspite of it all, you still love us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your pain is real, your fe
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Dawnshyne says:Posted: 25 Jan 09Glock you have a very real point about the umm, negativity. I have chosen to ignore than because I have never attempted to tell a man how to win a pissing contest, lol. However the rest of it has been enlightening to say the least.
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Glock says:Posted: 25 Jan 09
And I have to say that I have enjoyed reading the posts as well, except the personal attacks by two members that keep going back and forth. I don't know why they don't email each other their messages instead of posting them here. The only reason I can see is they want everyone to see their "one upmenship".
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Dawnshyne says:Posted: 25 Jan 09
I have to say that in reading these posts (with some effort in some of the cases) I have been through the gaunlet of emotions. I am impressed with the amount of insight, sometimes research, and personal displays of past pain that has been revealed. This is my first time checking out the posts on this site and I just wanted to say thank you to the participants of this one. I will be back.
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Salsassin says:Posted: 25 Jan 09
LOL. It will be entertaining for you to try to look for legal action against me. As a lawyer, I will just defend myself pro se. Go tell your man that.
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mlt35 says:Posted: 25 Jan 09
cdhill No silly bunny:):):) Just a way to make a point my dear...
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cdhill says:Posted: 25 Jan 09Okay. I gotta ask this. (it is not an attack.) (it is not sarcasm.) In all seriousness. Are you actually keeping a spreadsheet?
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mlt35 says:Posted: 25 Jan 09
No PLAYER. You have moved me to tears!!! Give me a moment. When I write I rarely ever edit so I am also speaking directly from my heart. Man oh man are you getting into some deep heart felt issues of all men really, but as we know and can feel because all too often the realness hits very close to home for us all. I, like alot of black women I suspect have felt abandoned and as you say the white guys may ease our pain and fear of rejection by our own as well. Imagine the very same man that we were raised to expect would love, protect and provide turns to preying on their own and being jealous and competitive with their own!!!!! Imagine what this does to a black womans psyche??? As a defense mechanism many of us have just opted out all together because like you said it is too hard and too painful to limit to just black men for many of us because we feel the anger, and pain from our very own, where non- black men see the woman, her heart and many times do not have the baggage so close to the surface. We all have baggage and issues because we are human. I completely agree about men having a close woman friend for all men regardless of race and women to also have a close male friend to issue real advise so that we can all learn and grow. I have a male friend for 17 years now and he share his thoughts, hopes and fears and I share my feelings with him as well. It is cathartic to have someone just to listen to you, even if there is no solution but just to listen to us and who cares about us. This is our human side, our real side, our tender side. Faith for me is the cornerstone of my ...belief determines reality ....mantra. Christ is my husband, brother and father until......If I never marry then this was also his design but as Ilanya Vansant says...."In the Meantime", awesome book, also; 40 days and 40 Nights of Spiritual Healing; A Purpose Driven Life; Prayer of Jabez....;Dr. Phils....Love Smart, awesome; Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and the list goes on, but in reality being at home with oneself provide alot of comfort until the right one comes along. The feeling of aloneness and emptiness is subsided with having a life that is healthy and full so that when real love presents itself we are open and emotionally ready and as whole as we can be to get involved and be able to be present and fair to the other person whose life we are merging into. Take classes, read, travel, learn a language, adopt a child, adopt a pet, volunteer at retirement homes, animal shelters, tutor children in your field, become a mentor etc. Life is too wonderful to waste on bad men and relationships. Just live life and abundance in men will find you. I guarantee it. God is the one that is in control of this matter not us anyway....so we need to get out of His way and be obedient and patient and love will be all around you so that you can be selective and choose which partner is best suited for each of us. Players do not have any idea of the impact their lying, cheating and deception for alot of women especially the weaker ladies who fall head over heels for men and actually believe what alot of men say on face value without testing and monitoring if his words and actions add up. If a woman is real with herself and wants a man to respect her she will have to say no to the majority of men because the majority of men that approach us really, really, really are full of crap. Just trying to say what they think that women want to hear where in reality they are playing mind games and running as many women as they can. Most women take this personally and they should because it is an emotional violation likened to rape. Our brothers are like you said out here trying to prove their manhood at our expense! The manhood they think that we want. The sad reality is for many black men they have set their own daughters up to choose men just like them, that will treat them badly because they have watched you treat women badly and accept this as ok behavior. I bet alot of men never for a moment think about being a role model for themselves first, and their children particularly their sweet daughters. The women that they prey on also have dads just like them who adore their daughters as well. The same daughters that they prey upon!! Crazy to think that all of this foolishness that you put out will not in some way come right back to you, often with insecure and promiscuous daughters. I can only speak for myself but sex does not make a man. That is a natural human response. Love is what we desire! Love is what we need. Love is what we are lacking from black men in general. It is sad to say but true. I have learned from experience that for me it is best to get to know the man over time and as a friend and then let romance blossom if it was ever supposed to in the first place. Many women are afraid of being alone so they accept bad behavior from men. There is a difference between being alone and lonely.....May people who are marrried or in relationships are lonely lying next to their spouse if there is not real and open communication. I am also a huge believer in the glass is half full.....while we engage and enjoy life opportunites will present themselves to us in Gods time not in our time. We do not want to hear this though, but our mate will appear when God is ready for him or her to appear and IN THE MEANTIME we will go on with life as usual, being positive, loving and kind to others because our time will come.....if we believe. This is only my opinion and life experience. Remember....belief determines reality. Women also benefit alot from your honest, heartfelt assessment of what is real everyday.....believe me we live it. Women need to begin to measure the responses from men on a weekly basis for example. Make an excel spreadsheet and count the number of men that approach you in a week for example. Note the race, age, situation of the meeting, his opening line etc. Then monitor if his words and actions add up. So, if he says X, can he prove it. If he says Y is he ready to prove it. If he cannot gladly back up his claims leave him alone, he is trying to blind you with what he thinks that you want to hear but in no real way can produce the promises he makes, leave him alone and free up yourself for a real man. He should be trying to court you. Love does not hurt, it is natural and pure and real, when it does not feel right ladies you know in your heart that this fool is trying to test me and /or trying to play you and just let him play all by himslef. Just a few thoughts. I look forward to your reply. Mia Philadelphia
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Salsassin says:Posted: 25 Jan 09
Very well said NP. The Macho indoctrination that many men the world over go through makes it VERY hard for many to seek help or express their emotions when abuse occurs, and it occurs a lot. Just like it does in women.
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NOPLAYER says:Posted: 25 Jan 09
mlt35 I wish more blk men could read your post. It would help bust up this crazy notion that blk woman have wrote them off. I believe that too many brothers have gotten wrapped up in the negative stereotypes assigned to blk women, ei: they're angry, too hard to please, cold, judgemental, and the list goes on ! I've had many talks with sisters concerning this issue and I notice that most were saying the same thing. They felt that they were getting a bad rap. What shocked me is most felt abandoned and rejected by their own (blk men) men. I had these conversations with sisters of various educational and career backgrounds. I wonder did we as men in our insecurity, began to assume that her advancement guaranteed our abandonement? Did we turn away from these women out of jealousy? These were some hard questions I had to find answers to. I had to find out how did we go from working together as a team, to becoming competitors? I really hurt me to listen to our women talk of their pain and their feelings of being left out there by themselves. Lord knows I wanted to try and defend blk men and tell our side of the story but I couldn't. I didn't have it in me. I knew I couldn't argue because many of the things they were saying about us were true. Not all of us but far too many of us! That's when I started trying to learn more about us and share it with our women. I think every man should have a woman he's not romantically involved with as a close friend, so he can talk with her and open up. Trust me it's not what we say, it's the things we don't say, it's the issues we keep burried inside of us that's eating away at our soul. We wont talk about the physical or sexual abuse we may have sufferd as little boys. We're ashamed to talk of how mama left us on the front porch of grandmama's house and ran off to live her life. We wont tell you, that we don't communicate our feelings because we grew up hearing, " boy shut up before I knock the hell outta you". To many of us, silence is security, what they don't know, they can't use against me! What man will tell you, his sense of self worth comes from his being able to sexually satisfy many women, because it's the drug that eases the symptoms of his pain but it never gets to the source. This is not just an issue with blk men, this monster is no respecter of race or class. I think those that are well off are better at covering it up, because in this world we assume, if you look sucessful, you're free of issues.
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Salsassin says:Posted: 24 Jan 09
From Homestupid via PM: "The amazing thing about the internet is that I was able to copy your photos and comments about Truckdrivers and send them to Truckstop bulletin boards all along the East coast , these are my brothers and sisters , Enjoy . They do not carry a Bar / they carry cheater pipe to check tires . Happy trails" LOL. You forget I can do the same to the police. Internet threats aren't considered lightly. You think you are the first one to threaten me online? Get in line. Sorry, but this moron needs exposing.
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Salsassin says:Posted: 24 Jan 09
To the delight of some and the chagrin of others, I am too lazy right now to put in my bucket full of change. But I will add two cents (still decently long cents). NO PLAYER has added his well thought personal beliefs and views, as has CD Hill, as have many others. But remember that they can never speak for "The Black Man", "The White Man", "The Black Woman", etc. All they can speak for is their own personal mentality and that of those they have communicated with. His very name, NO PLAYER, differentiates himself from those that are players, that would have different views than him. His perspective is definitely very valuable as he presents a very valid type of Black man's perspective, just not every Black man's perspective. Just a caveat to consider. On the same token, I see Homesteader keep on saying that because his connection worked, it is easy for all connections to work. I think extrapolating like that diminishes valid issues that many people have that may not have been addressed in that particular relationship. Each person is unique, and even in trends, not all people have the same issues. Ex. Some Black women have achieved much higher employment levels and their social circles have changed creating new dating dynamics, thse dynamics would not apply to women at lower employment and educational echelons. Their dating issues (because of different types of social contacts and qualifications in the eyes of those contacts) are different, even if their goals may be similar or not.
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mlt35 says:Posted: 24 Jan 09
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO PLAYER. You are a real black man. Thank you for putting "the man inside of the mans head" to real life fear as being a major part of why alot of men in general and black men as well commit, that fear of rejection, fear of not measuring up to perhaps the womans expectations etc. I appreciate this more than you know. For black women we are reared and raised to stand by your man for the most part, but often we are not aware of his hidden fears or "what if" I do not measure up to what is expected......right. Can I offer some hands on real life insight into how this black woman deals with any man that I love, (black, white or other). I become his best friend first. Put booty calls aside and spend time really getting to know the man, his heart, dreams, fears etc. It is also fair and balanced for women to show him your fears, dreams, needs, wants, desires etc. Guess what.......? If 2 people have a real, open and honest relationship and they talk and communicate, all of this will come out naturally. You also need to trust women a little at first if you really want to gain her heart and allow her to get close to you emotionally, enjoying the little things first, but test her also, ask her honey whay if....? I lost my job, had to relocate to Nurnberg, Germany:), or whatever, before you invest too much emotionally ask her directly the questions that you want answers to.....I do. On a very early date, I let a man know what I expect in a relationship and what I am offering in the relationship so he has a clear idea of my intentions and he then can choose to pursue me or someone else. I love this step because it does 2 things. It allows me to be upfront, and allows him to have a choice in moving forward. I am o.k with the decision either way, because if he is not on the same page in life then I would be wasting his time and vice versa, better to let him go to meet and love another woman better suited perhaps. I issue a challenge to men who really desire a mate and not the players on here to take 15-30 minutes with a woman that you may have your eye on or even gotten to know a bit but you are FEARFUL of taking it to the next level.....I would bet my chihuahua that if she is digging you also, she will embrace you and your fears and allow you the space and time to deal with it. I think that many times men are so fearful that it is paralyzing to them and they forget the very reason for God making us as your help mate....to compliment you and to help you focus and be the best man God made you to be..... If you pick right and she picks right then you have a formidable team. Ask her hypothetical questions if you are fearful of a direct question.....like a friend of mine lost his job and his wife said XYZ. Believe me she will engage you in how she really feels, then you will know first hand how she feels and whether or not to proceed. I am going to step out here on a limb and share a bit more than normal in an open forum but if any woman is worth her salt and loves and cares for you and you are communicating, loving and sharing, she will more than likely has already anticipated these fears......and is ready waiting for you to open up to her when the time is right. You have to step to her real, honest and willing to accept the consequences. I have a black father and 2 black brothers like the other ladies here I am sure, we know what you deal with, have dealt with it along side of many of you and want for you to give us a chance to stand by your side. I personally am big on writing down your goals and plans. So what if you do not reach them in the desired time. IT SHOWS ME AND TELLS ME THAT YOU HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT YOUR FUTURE AND MINE. Then together we can try to achieve our goals together. Many of these ladies are articulare, accomplished and could perhaps help you to achieve the dreams that you desire. Many of us have expertise in fields that may open doors that may today be closed from an insider stand point do's and don'ts offer input and suggestions lovingly while allowing you to be in control of your own plans, but be right by your side....kinda like a Michelle Obama. She is accompliished as well, but stands by Baracks side for gentle love, support and advice when necessary I am sure. I bet man y of the ladies here are in the exact same position but do not have the men who are willing to engage in that real relationship because of fear. I look forward to your response. Feel free to contact me directly if you want some of your responses to be more private or may feel that in a public forum may be too personal. I am your mother, sister,friend, lover and wife all rolled up in one....simply a black woman. Mia Philadelphia, PA area
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homesteader says:Posted: 24 Jan 09
Believe and act accordingly , We are all just people with Dreams of life till the end of time . We are proof that it does happen on this site . Because we acted on what we desired . Common sense helps reality to become Happiness .
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NOPLAYER says:Posted: 24 Jan 09
Hello Ladies please forgive my delayed response, I'm 7 hours ahead of the eastcoast so bear with me. Mlt35 are question: Why are many blackmen non-committal? That's a tough one but I'll speak from the heart! Many blk men shy away from committment because of fear and not a lack of love. I think the fear of failure prevents alot of us from taking that extra step. If a man carries around the weight of feeling enadeqaute, that,s a fear within itself. When a man developes strong feeling for a woman it's important to him not to mess things up. Keep in mind all the other baggage we carry around that you don't see. Sisters we do pretty good at first, we call, we come by, we spend time together, we'll cut your grass and wash your car. ( LOL ) That's safe for us, it's comfortable because it's allowing us to do the very thing that we enjoy, and that's making you happy. We can go wrong there because that's something we can control. The momment when things really get serious and the woman starts making it now that she wants to go further, now you're taking away my control over the situation. Marriage brings many new challenges that can start the process of self-doubt. Can I trully make her happy, can I afford to give her the life she deserves or will she get tired of me after a few years? These are questions that floods the minds of men when you attemp to take them from there comfort zone. It's like the woman who starts to think maybe she should call off the wedding 2 days before she's to get married. Why ? It's the fear of failing or letting down the one she trully loves. Ladies have you heard these statements before; " baby it's not you it's me, you derserve better, or I'm not the man you need " ! Sounds familiar????? Sisters think about this and think hard!! Why would a man spend his time chasing you only to turn away once his chase is over ? If he was just after sex he wouldn't have to waste time fooling with you, look at all the lay up-gals and Back Alley Sallys running around with nothing better to do than answer a booty call. Ladies don't feel he was turned off, no he was scared off by his on doubts. As a man there's nothing more dreadful than being a failure to the woman you love, so it's easier for him and on him, to let her go. How do you protect youreself from these types of men? Talk to him and see if he opens up. If he can talk about his fears that means he's honest with himself and more than likely he'll be honest with you. If I'll trully open up and expose the very thing that makes me feel vulnerable that menas I trust you. If I trust you then I'm not as timid and I'd more than likely be willing to take that big step with you. Ladies if he's not talking there's maybe a trust issue and you have to decide if you want to try to crack the code of silence. Sorry for dragging this thing out hopefully I've provided some insight. Ok fellas don't leave me out here by myself, help a brother out. These ladies are waiting to here from you ! If you don't speak, you wont be heard!
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lala2qz says:Posted: 24 Jan 09I'm gonna third that(if that makes since). But really his posts always seem heartfelt and genuine. I'm looking foward to his answer as well.
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VA_SongBird says:Posted: 24 Jan 09
Mlt35... I agree... NO PLAYER has such a sweet and sensitive spirit about him.... We appreciate your input NO PLAYER.
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mlt35 says:Posted: 24 Jan 09
No Player. You have an insight or instinct that is tender, loving and most important to me anyway ......that is POSITIVE which allows women to listen, pause and reflect and then respond in an affirming way to you. Question? Assuming that you are really interested in a committed relationship, I have a question for you....why do YOU think that many black men are non-committal and what advice would you have for single black women to protect themselves from these type of men? I look forward to hearing your comments and reading your future book:):) Remember....belief determines reality.
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VA_SongBird says:Posted: 24 Jan 09
Hello?????? I must agree with Glock... excuse my "Anglish".... but this is not the forum to sling personal attacks.... let's keep these discussions stimulating and interesting....
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NOPLAYER says:Posted: 23 Jan 09
mlt35 I agree ! There's alot to learn from eachother because we're all unique in our own way. I really get alot from the points that the ladies post on this site and I hope that they continue. I'd hope the ladies will start asking more questions of the men on this board, so that we can hopefully provide some positive feedback and open doors for better understanding ! I'm sure none of us will ever marry eachother (lol) but I know we can learn from eachother ! I'm ready!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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mlt35 says:Posted: 23 Jan 09
lala 2qz, I am going to agree with you the last few messages also with no comment. Others: Again, this is a site for interracial couples right? Can we please have some c-r-e-a-m please:) Again, I would like to offer a challenge for positive comments so that we can all possibly learn, because none of knows everything. Whether you are 15 or 50 , we all desire a loving possibly interracial relationship ...or so that is the claim. There is someone for everyone my dear...... Don't try to rain on everyone elses parade because you are bitter. Glad to see our new President and wish him all of the success and blessing in his new role as Commander in Chief and as an apparent awesome husband as well! Remember....belief determines reality:)
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Glock says:Posted: 23 Jan 09
Can't you guys just email each other instead of posting your attacks here?
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homesteader says:Posted: 23 Jan 09
I apologize to the forum , as some of my comments may have been out of line . That does not change the personal attacks in the beginning , by one who attacks many people here on this Blog .
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homesteader says:Posted: 23 Jan 09
Remember the first thing Truckdrivers do is a Pre- trip Inspection . You seem to know alot about old Truckers . I will ask for an apology to my wife from you , Let's see how much of a man you are . Your continuation talking like you do about her is uncalled for , rude , rash and unexceptable .
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lala2qz says:Posted: 23 Jan 09
lol. :D omg im sorry, im just gonna comment the last couple of posts with a "no comment". No wait, I take it back. Shame on you salsassin for praising the beauty in his pics and trying to say you were talking to me. hmmmm... sarcasm. lol
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Salsassin says:Posted: 23 Jan 09
LOL Grandpa, don't pop a vessel. We know yu kinky old truckers don't live very healthy lives. Don't want you spazing at the truck stop. Your man would be disappointed if you died.
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homesteader says:Posted: 23 Jan 09
You USED HOMESTEADER TWICE WITH NEGITIVE COMMENTS , then you attempt to turn that around when you say you were talking to lala . Makes you no less of an educated Liar . Now you insult my wife in a public forum . You should be Happy that We live in Texas . Your continued Disrespect shown for our President Obama no matter your Technicalities in language makes you a Bigot in our eyes . As we are common people , You speak as though you have your own personal trucker when you say " We " / which corner is yours ?
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Salsassin says:Posted: 22 Jan 09
To the senile old fool: I was talking to lala. You really must take your Alzheimer's pills. Are your sure your Black "woman" isn't really a man? Considering where your dirty old mind takes you. No need to elaborate. We know how kinky you truckers are. With nothing to do in those long trips, you will bonk anything that moves. To the rest: Sorry, been enjoying the Obama inauguration here in DC, and enjoying the fact I get sworn into the DC Bar as well. I'll make a longer post later. Ciao
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homesteader says:Posted: 22 Jan 09
The last paragraph ; " Do Black women really want to get married ? " , my wife did want to and we married . The tag ; Black women White men , puts us at the end of the Topic which was Marriage . I drink my coffee Black / Salsassin , I got distracted by the beauty of your picture as one foul deserves another , what do you boys do in them tents . Sorry I won't ask and you ain't got to tell .
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Big.C says:Posted: 22 Jan 09
Mlt35 I am a Starter, and a Star. I don't need to learn anything about women or relationships, My mother is world class, so im looking for this kind of black lady, and my parent have be married for 43 years, no outside kids, no violents,no drugs ....I liked the little idea of the site and wondered it was true,its not, like you most of the people here are old and bitter. You keep asking for cream but if the coffee is old and burned, cream will not make it better.
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homesteader says:Posted: 22 Jan 09
your prayers have been answered , Joy to the world as we each are only a small part of Better days to pass . Love Les
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mlt35 says:Posted: 22 Jan 09
cd hill....you are correct I could not help but respond......but ONLY TO POSITIVE OR AT LEAST NEUTRAL RESPONSES THAT MAY STIMULATE POSITVE DIALOUGE SO THAT WE CAN ALL POSSIBLY LEARN FROM ONE ANOTHER AND GROW. Sorry If I misread what your intention was but I will retort and give you credit for being positive if you say that was your intention:):):) 00don You are welcome me dear. Your comments moved me to defend the good black men which I love as well. I am positive by nature but will fiercly protect and defend when necessary:):) I propose a challenge......that we all try to make comments that are constructive and not destructive. Maybe this is too much to ask and maybe I am naive in asking, but for in a public forum but I will hope and pray:).
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00don says:Posted: 21 Jan 09
NoPlayer, you've perfectly stated what I was alluding to when I asked, "...isn’t there a better way than men and women blaming each other regardless of race?" My point was lost, inhibiting me from getting the point across. Women are not from Venus. Men are not from Mars. As far as I can tell, she's from Arizona, California or wherever she happened to grow up. This battle of the sexes thing is so blase, even with a 'racial' spin. I guess that's a whole different blog, though. Ladies, you are loved. I can't add anymore to what NoPlayer has said on that subject. It would just be verse two of the same song. To Ms. mlt35, apologies for not getting this message to you sooner (I attempted to by PM last week). Thank you for your words. To Ms. VA_SongBird, thank you as well.
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homesteader says:Posted: 21 Jan 09
We cannot change History , we can only look to the Future and attempt to make our lives better .
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lala2qz says:Posted: 21 Jan 09
Thanks mlt35. I take it as a serious compliment that you think my wit is notable. :)
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homesteader says:Posted: 21 Jan 09
We came , we saw and we crossed the finish line . Until each forgets about Racial difference in their own mind , it will always be present in life .
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lala2qz says:Posted: 21 Jan 09
I'll be honest, I usually don't care to hear a black man's opinion on issues like this because they tend to come down on the black women negatively... I'm pretty sure you can think of some examples... one being that they usually have a list of self improvements for the women or a list of the problems with black women; things like that which don't attribute much. But Noplayer's assessment of this is quite refreshing, it was a lovely read, very genuine and sincere. Cdhill, why didn't you answer my question? I was very curious to know your answer.
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cdhill says:Posted: 21 Jan 09
whoa. not sure what got your panties all wound up. I agreed with you. Or at least with some of your statements. And despite your tirade I still do. I understand that in a blog / message board venue a person can read their own emotions into the words that others write. And since I wasn't writing in anger I can only assume that you were reading in anger. But I can't control that. I've not been disrespectful to you in any manner. And where I did discuss you directly I said you were right. And unlike the things you've said about me, I don't have any personal attacks for you. I don't know you. I've not called you out of your name. I won't speak to your singleness, or your intelligence, or your relationships, or who's in (or out) your league because I'm not privy to any of that. I can only comment on what's written. And I'm going to stick to that. And if you write something its fair game. And that's true for everyone. I don't agree with every thing that you say. And you don't agree with everything (anything... lol)that I say. But that's okay. Because it only a discussion. They are only words. Don't let them make you angry. :) you said that you wont respond but I bet you do. you wont be able to resist. :P
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Beauty1027 says:Posted: 21 Jan 09
First and far most, everyone have a point.. but black woman have their own reason of not being married... it could be a generation thing, seem like that some have on here that I have briefly on their remarks. It could be you have standards that you have and the guys that you are attracting(which you have to be careful on how you carry yourself, I'll get to that in a moment.) It could be you have your goals that you are focus on..and I can go on and on.. Now back to the part on attracting the right guy, you can't think you will attract the right person just by your outer appearance, due to some of the woman *black or white* can dress to be flaws on the outside and get them home they issues, and others that you may find not eye catching maybe the person that you are looking for but you afraid to give that person a chance due to you judging the book by its cover(hey wasn't you taught not to do this...hmmmm). So you have to be careful on how you betray yourself to look into another person eyesight, everyone don't look at one person the same way as you. I notice that some say, yes I'm single by choice, those are the lines I use, and I really mean that. I have had the proposals myself, but just because a man propose to me, DOES NOT mean, I have to say yes. And reason why you have a high rate of divorces in the black society I think is because you have a lot of women that settle for that person that show them a one night of a lifetime to get them where they want them and once that happen then it's over!!!!! Then where do you wind up in divorce court due to, 1 you what SETTLED, desperate women calls for desperate measures! Then you have some woman get caught up in this glitter in fame that a guy can provide for you, and don't think about oh do he loves me or he is trying to cover the material eye catching stuff to make me think he loves me, and for the females that is flattered by this, then guess what you fall for it, when the glitter and gold stop or slow down, or you notice another female that you saw ole boy looking at have on similar items that you have then you want to holla, I thought he loved me because he bought me everything I wanted, he took me on trips and did this and that.. well this and that don't show you the most important thing you been needing or seeking, LOVE! Haven't you heard you can't live off LOVE, when he buy you,you live off the material resources of the things he buy you, to substitute for LOVE! I can't blame it on the MEN (black or white) due to a man can only do what you allow him to do! It's nice have the nice things and life but don't loose focus on the one thing you looking for in a Man! There is also another problem, we have with men (once again black and white) you have the MOMMA's BOYS, that want to MEN! As single woman, you need to teach your son(s) how to be Men, and stop babying them and breast feeding them when they are grown in age but immature in mind. Find a male family member or friend that can be a inspiration role model to your son, if their father is not in their life. Woman live and learn from the past relationship and make the present/future better. No matter what the color is, females have the same similarities, so race does not make pay a factor in this question. And if you so happen to ask this question on Blk woman and marriage, so you ask this question, then if you're married are you married to a blk man or woman or white man or woman, and if so why didn't you marry in your race? With me saying that we all know that everyone have issues that they dislike in their race but either we deal with it or we venture out to other race,(which if fine with me, I'm not looking at race I'm looking to be loved, respected, trusted, honesty, morals, character...and I can go on). But it just goes to show you not only do blk female have an issue with being or getting married its all race! I have Caucasian female friends that is in the same mind frame of myself, by not settling for just anyone to marry. You have to MORALS! It's amazing to hear how a Caucasian man can treat a black woman, and then to hear how Caucasian woman say how a black man treat them. If you think about it it's not just black female, cause if that's the case you may have the Caucasian white female marrying but guess who they are marrying hmmm Black Male or vice versa, Black female starting to open up that box of love in different color(race)(claps). We need to think back and remember what Dr.King stated that one day we(he stated his four kids, but I look at as the nationwide) won't be judge by the content of our skin but the content of character. Learn to love and Love to learn to love no matter what color...and FEMALES Don't Settled! Be Blessed :)
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mlt35 says:Posted: 21 Jan 09
Again, can we have some c-r-e-a-m please!! cdhill Go back and read my last message please apparantly it went right over your head. First, the site is for interracial dating......no further comment but I will add this. It is interesting that the idea that a black woman has had marriage proposals and have respectfully declined somehow assumes that the men who have proposed are what she desires and needs....if your assumption was correct and it is not, then any man that proposes marriage to a black woman should be acceptable .....to a black women....is that your backward, narrowminded, and shortsighted mindset?? I sure hope not. I was giving you far more credit than you deserve otherwise. Imagine the oppositescenario, if a woman proposed to you would you say yes to any woman that proposed marriage to you either...that would be silly unless she met your needs...right? What you should as a black man be trying to do is take personal responsibility for your own singleness and try to set a positive example, assuming that you desire marriage in the first place which I sincerely do not believe for a minute. I see player behavior and arrogant, cocky attitude in every message that you have posted attacking women that you do not even know. It is sad. Or like No Player, at the very least try to LEARN from the black men on the blog who are getting affirming responses from the black women. You are angry, negative and have nothing to offer the black women on this blog from what I have read....I do not know maybe other women like hearing you rain on the parade of black women. You do not even have common sense. To attract black women you have to be positive, loving and tender.....you are proving to me that you are none of these. I had not directly attacked you but I assure you that you will not directly attack me and think that I will allow this foolishness!! You need to grow up and stop acting like an immature little boy who has not had enough attention from his mother or other female role models in his life. You are waaaay out of your league my dear. Please do not bother to respond, apology or otherwise. As an educated, loving and positive black women I will not resort to your level. Grow up my dear. I choose not to respond to anymore of your attacks....but I am sure you realize I can hold my own and then some, but negative tirades make all black people look stupid especially in an open public forum. Grow up!! Remember belief determines reality!!! laugh sailor I propose to you that
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Great post Dawnshye and No Player!