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Fighting in relationships could save you

Posted by Ria, 08 Feb

Most of the time, women are accused of complaining too much about their spouses. And don’t forget the number of women who complain that their men don’t complain (or talk as we love to put it). We love fighting and yelling and complaining. Well apparently that is GOOD.

According to preliminary results of a University of Michigan study, couples in which both the husband and wife suppress their anger when one attacks the other die earlier than those couples where one or both partners express their anger and resolve the conflict, says Ernest Harburg, professor emeritus with the U-M School of Public Health and the Psychology Department.

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When both spouses suppress their anger when unfairly attacked by the other, at earlier death was twice as likely than in all other types.

"When couples get together, one of their main jobs is reconciliation about conflict," Harburg said. "Usually nobody is trained to do this. If they have good parents, they can imitate, that's fine, but usually the couple is ignorant about the process of resolving conflict. The key matter is, when the conflict happens, how do you resolve it?"

"When you don't, if you bury your anger, and you brood on it and you resent the other person or the attacker, and you don't try to resolve the problem, then you're in trouble."

The study had 192 couples participating and 26 pairs of those studied both suppressed their anger. Results: 13 deaths in that group. In the remaining 166 pairs, there were 41 deaths combined.In 27 percent of those couples who both suppressed their anger, one member of the couple died during the study period, and in 23 percent of those couples both died during the study period.

So next time your woman rattles about you seeing another woman and it aint true, rattle back. Coz going by this study, FIGHTING SAVES LIVES! And this is the only time you are ever gonna hear that ... PS Don't forget the makeup sex ;-)

Tags: couple fights

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  1.   Sasi says:
    Posted: 20 Nov 09

    Just do what I say and no one gets hurts lol!

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  2.   ycrem says:
    Posted: 16 Apr 09

    "Your anger belongs to you. Never mind what caused it or what you think caused it, own your anger. Anger is not the problem, how you handle it is. It takes real talent, considerable patience and, unfortunately, much practice to get to a point where a couple can work through their anger. Obviously, communication is of the utmost importance, but people often forget that part of communication is listening. It doesn’t take screaming and yelling to get your point across, it takes honest words and dedicated listening. It can be done." - Artiecraft well said Artiecraft:) Same thoughts here. It's always better to be true to our feelings rather than pretend we are not angry or upset! And anger is just another emotion, but yes it needs to be handled properly. It's always good as long as we stay within the limits, cos sometimes we might end up hurting the feelings of others and ourselves which could turn out to be even more frustrating and hard to deal with later! On the other hand, we need to have a mental state of mind where we can try and see the whole situation from the other's point of view as well and not just how we feel about the whole thing ourselves! Most of the time, it is best, not to say anything at all and just listen to what they want to say.. Anger is just another way of reacting to situations and people. Just don't hold it too long! even if you were 100% sure that you were not in the wrong It's always better to let go off ur anger!

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  3.   GrayGrl says:
    Posted: 15 Feb 09

    My boyfriend and I can't stop fighting! Lately it's been getting really bad. We have had such a loving relationship for the past 7 months and we live together but I feel that there's too much pressure on this relationship and it's going to inevitably pop! We have really intense ups and downs and we love each other but when we fight, we just can't seem to meet eye to eye. This is very upsetting and unsettling. Today he left without even saying goodbye for the first time. All over a stupid massage! I'm affraid of the potential danger of losing this man because the arguing will kill and suffocate our bond. How can I stop this from happening? I feel like I'm drowning here. I don't see the good in fighting all the time, but we have this really amazing bond and chemistry and there's a whole other side to our relaitonship that is very strong and not based on lust or anything superficial. We are both stubborn though, but I feel like I try more than he does to reconcile and work it out whereas he goes into his "cave". I feel he's going to become exhausted of me and resent me soon because he has complained in the past that "a relationship shouldn't be this much work"... or should it? On one hand it seems logical, but on the other, we've both never had something like this before. It's been amazing, but lately there's so much fighting! Just this past couple months : (

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  4.   Artiecraft says:
    Posted: 16 Sep 08

    Your anger belongs to you. Never mind what caused it or what you think caused it, own your anger. Anger is not the problem, how you handle it is. It takes real talent, considerable patience and, unfortunately, much practice to get to a point where a couple can work through their anger. Obviously, communication is of the utmost importance, but people often forget that part of communication is listening. It doesn't take screaming and yelling to get your point across, it takes honest words and dedicated listening. It can be done.

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  5.   Fkoi says:
    Posted: 28 Feb 08

    Okay, this is from the University of Michigan but the results are clearly being interpreted by a non-Wolverine. First of all I'd have to know more data about the couples. If they were all over 95-years of age, pack-a-day smokers with a daily litre of vodka tendencies,a 50% death rate would be very good . Secondly, the study doesn't say that fighting is good. It says that stuffing anger may be harmful. Not that expressing anger any way you choose may be good. It says that conflict resolution is likely a good solution. However, "fighting and yelling and complaining" is not conflict resolution. It says that Ernest Harburg, the U-M School of Public Health and the Psychology Department may have more grant money than they know what to do with. If we need a study to tell us "stuffing anger - bad, conflict resolution - good" maybe we need to thin the herd. On the other hand, there is the makeup sex.

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  6.   fala says:
    Posted: 13 Feb 08

    Careful Mossimo, I just came back from Tae-bo!

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  7.   HereIamBaby says:
    Posted: 12 Feb 08

    Lots of pro's and com's to this subject... Good topic! Southern smiels and world peace, Sharon

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  8.   Jeff says:
    Posted: 12 Feb 08

    In another direction, I've heard it said that once we leave the safety and security of the womb we spend, subconsciously, the rest of our lives trying to reacquire those feelings. We are all speaking the same thing, really, but quietly, which is simply put, gimme shelter.

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  9.   mossimo says:
    Posted: 12 Feb 08

    I could never fight Fala the Great! Would be too frightened to cross a Senator

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  10.   fala says:
    Posted: 12 Feb 08

    Put em up Mossimo!

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  11.   Jeff says:
    Posted: 12 Feb 08

    Men and women just experience cognitions and emotions so much differently from one another; it's difficult for the two to really empathize with the other's points of view- it's like two trains running at the same speed but on different tracks. (They never quite connect). Which I think is responsible for some of the attraction we have for each other, although it does lead to tensions, no doubt. Arguments can be good...although for what I don't know precisely...(maybe the carnal aspect experience of making up later!) but really it depends on the couples and their interpersonal chemistry. But most guys don't like to argue; we go in to our "cave" as John Grey (Mars/Venus books)would put it and assume everything will eventually be ok, whereas women are generally more proactive. I think we guys are afraid that if we reveal too much of our thoughts, and expecially feelings, that we'll appear weak and vulnerable, a no no in our world. In my experience, women SAY thay want to see our sensitive side, but show too much sensitivity and she will loose respect for you as a man. So for us it's better to play it safe; better to be viewed as a little insensitive (and strong) than too sensitive (and weak).

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  12.   mossimo says:
    Posted: 11 Feb 08

    Wise words HereIam

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  13.   fala says:
    Posted: 10 Feb 08

    A fight to save the relationship - now it all makes sense!

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  14.   HereIamBaby says:
    Posted: 10 Feb 08

    Sexual tension is good...but never let the sun go down with your quarrels! Southern smiles, Sharon

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  15.   nfl24 says:
    Posted: 10 Feb 08

    The key to this whole subject is communication as well as the ability to listen to your partner. Most arguements are more due to someones opinion then a fact. Fighting or argueing between each other leads more to violence then anything.

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  16.   latrelle says:
    Posted: 09 Feb 08

    Okay: I agree that communication is key in any relationship. I'm reminded here of the 'old cliche' that states: "it's best to go to bed without anger in your head".. or something to that effect. However one must stress the importance of embracing constructive arguments, not destructive ones. It's all about the manner in which words are strung together and strewn toward the other; this includes the words that are used and the tone in which they are used. It's also best to think first before one speaks, yells, etc. Think about the other person's feelings. Some psychologists suggest that we should question the other person to clarify his/ her stance on the matter/ situation. For example: "Honey, when you say so-and-so, do you mean so-and-so?" It helps to see things from the other person's perspective. Of course, when emotions are heightened and one becomes defensive to the point where they feel they are 'right' and must get in that 'last word', that suggestion could be moot. Know how they have classes for all types of subjects? It would be wonderful if both high school and colleges offered relationship classes where individuals could be instructed on a variety of communication skills to make their lives more productive and not destructive...

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  17.   Eathan says:
    Posted: 09 Feb 08

    I'm don't think I agree with that study. I do believe in some eastern philosophy, and that's a direct conflict of that. But I will always take the make up sex.. or just sex. :-)

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  18.   maumaka says:
    Posted: 09 Feb 08

    Arguments and fights are ineffitable but they should solve the problem and not worsen it!!! Always fight good fights then.... make up sex !!

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  19.   mossimo says:
    Posted: 09 Feb 08

    Mmmm, makeup sex....I guess I need a fight first!

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  20.   SAMMY_D_LUV says:
    Posted: 08 Feb 08

    I think the point of this blog is to say don't hold things in-comunications is a very important key to a relationship, if something bothers you or you spouse then it needs to be resolved even if a small arguement ensues. Now i'm with you Sharon,the screeming and get in your face fights are not goining to solve much of anything. But then like it says--the make up sex might be worth it lol--joking :)

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  21.   HereIamBaby says:
    Posted: 08 Feb 08

    Well...I don't agree with that...if you want to blow off steam...go to a gym or a sport event so you can yell, scream and jump around! Isn't that why there is Super Bowl??? Southern smiles and world peace, Sharon

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