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How Do You Respond if a Guy Disappears and Follows Up a Week Later?

Posted by Evan, 24 Aug

One of our readers was concerned about how to respond to a guy who has disappeared. Not just the kind that disappears for months... just the kind who contacts you after a week or so. There goes...

"I know that, if a man isn’t reaching back out within a day or so of your last date, it’s because he doesn’t care to do so. However, when the guy sends a follow-up message 5-7 days later, what’s the best way to respond?

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Thanks,

Ashleigh"

I wrote about this at length in this post but I’ll summarize it here.

We are all someone’s second choice.

There are good men and bad men. Honest men and shady men. Relationship-oriented men and player men. And you know what? Sometimes men can be BOTH once.

I can only speak for myself here, but there were times that I was perfectly content hooking up without commitment and there were times I was earnestly looking for love.

Furthermore, there were women that inspired me to want to commit, and other women who were cute enough for a fling but not girlfriend material in my mind.

This is not gender-specific, by the way.

So, to be your own dating coach, flip things around.

Have you ever been talking to three guys at once, had one that was your favorite, gone all-in on him and POOF, he disappeared or turned out to be a jerk?

If so, does that mean that you were “wrong” for choosing him? No. Does that mean that you were rude to focus your attentions on him as opposed to the other two guys? No. Does that mean that you are flaky or insensitive or not looking for love because your Plan A backfired on you? No. So if you went back to the two men after a week and said, “Hey, sorry I disappeared, but I’m back now if you want to hang out this weekend,” would you be right to expect a guy to get angry at you and tell you off because he’s nobody’s second choice?

I sure hope not.

There’s no room for pride in dating.

It’s a big revolving door and people come and go. The more you can embrace that instead of taking things personally, the more success you’ll have in this medium. The more you cast judgment on someone who is likely doing the same thing you’re doing, the less likely you will make a special connection.

Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. When a guy comes back after a week, just act like nothing happened at all. Because it didn’t.

Evan Marc Katz is a dating coach who specializes in helping smart, strong, successful women understand and connect with men since 2003. Thousands of his clients have fallen in love, gotten married, started families, and found happiness – after only a few months of coaching. His latest dating book, “Why You’re Still Single – Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad”, was a critical success. He also operates a popular blog, EvanMarcKatz.com, which serves as a one-stop shop for anyone trying to understand relationship dynamics. Combining the insight of Dr. Drew and the wit of Adam Carolla, Katz has answered hundreds of challenging and controversial questions with a unique combination of logic, experience, and empathy. Take Evan's dating quiz.

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17 responses to "How Do You Respond if a Guy Disappears and Follows Up a Week Later?"

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  1.   Sirengo26 says:
    Posted: 10 Oct 19

    Hes distracted with another woman's profile picture he thinks oh wow shes everything then he realises that shes not all that after one or two chats then he comes back.

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  2.   Jamee72 says:
    Posted: 12 Mar 19

    But now I just I'm not interested, now that I'm interested in something serious,

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  3.   Jamee72 says:
    Posted: 12 Mar 19

    Honestly I'm so guilty of doing this , so I understand what guys are thinking it's not so much as second option, its sorta like playing it safe , Leaving your options opening , yet not getting to attach so quickly , that way you want or the person don't get hurt,. Easy to separate , Which means he's not looking for nothing serious right away , taking things very very very slow

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  4.   Brunsugah says:
    Posted: 26 Jan 19

    Okay, I don’t believe in saying nothing and people disappearing and reappearing. Yeah, we all ge busy with work or ‘something’ may have happened but if you think I’m here to be Plan B in your dating life then let me be clear - I’m not.

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  5.   NardiJMGirl says:
    Posted: 10 Dec 18

    Dropping a line to say "Hey" takes, like, a minute or so. Regardless of all who a guy may be talking to or what all riveting activity he has going on (insert sarcasm here), ghosting for a week is not acceptable and lays the foundation for you to be taken for granted in future. Regardless of whether I know you for 10 minutes, 10 years, or we are in the process of connecting online and have never met, it's no fun to connect with someone just to have them disappear. It's not codependency, it's not neediness, it's not being spoiled. It's just common courtesy. Don't play "hot potato" with people and then just assume they'll be available whenever. If they don't make the cut, leave them alone. It's that simple. To do/believe otherwise just makes you a jackass, whether you're male or female.

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  6.   mohtzy says:
    Posted: 18 Sep 18

    I'm so in this situation right now and it's sad..I feel like if you weren't interested, you should let her know in a polite manner instead of keeping her waiting. What if the girl has fallen over heels by your pretence of liking her

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  7.   62strong says:
    Posted: 30 Aug 18

    I’m not a woman but when it happens to me and It happens every time so far.i just tell my self im still available.

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  8.   sonatarctica says:
    Posted: 28 Aug 18

    you women are certainly spoiled with needy fboys blowing up your phone all day... a busy alpha will have plenty going on outside of you. the MAN you want may not gaf. so grow up and why don't you grow a pair and reach out first for once? and for that matter offer to pay for dinner for once... all about equality except for the burdens eh

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    • Starr83 says:
      Posted: 02 Sep 18

      It will be true “equality” when men learn how to cook, clean, and do 50% of the child-rearing. Equality isn’t me reaching in my purse by the 3rd date. Some of you are so clueless and then you wonder why you have to resort to online dating despite proclaiming to be a “catch”.

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    • Jamee72 says:
      Posted: 12 Mar 19

      Oh this explains everything, I kept wondering Only woman that offer to pay for dinner are only just thinking of you as friend , or she definitely thinks she's the alpha, why your her sheep ,,

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    • Jamee72 says:
      Posted: 12 Mar 19

      Oh this explains everything, I kept wondering,. The only women that pays for dinner if she out with a guy are the ones that only see you as a friend or brother, or low self esteem, lacking confidence in You and Her. Or she definitely thinks she's the alpha in you are her little sheep . So be careful for what you ask for

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  9.   Prismatic says:
    Posted: 27 Aug 18

    "Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. When a guy comes back after a week, just act like nothing happened at all. Because it didn’t." I don't agree with this at all and I don't think it fits with this situation. I'm not going to continue to pursue someone who has no interest in me. I can be dating multiple guys until I decide to enter a monogamous relationship with one but I'm not going to delay contact with them week after week. Dropping a line to say "hi" doesn't take much time. Going M.I.A. or ghosting doesn't look good for anyone. They'll probably do it to you again if another opportunity arises.

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    • NardiJMGirl says:
      Posted: 10 Dec 18

      I 100% agree with this. Others, however, will chalk those feelings up to us being spoiled girls who need to get a hobby.

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  10.   Paganinifan says:
    Posted: 27 Aug 18

    Sometimes it’s not about being a “second choice” as the response here implies. Sometimes people come to a dating site but after making their profile, they also have their every day life to attend to. Or, sometimes people get messages and flirts from all the wrong types that they are trying to avoid (like sexual talk or fake profiles trying to direct us to porn sites) and so they abandon their profiles. Implying that the reason for someone taking too long to reply back means that you’re a “second choice” or “second best” is incorrect and this type of mindset is not going to produce positive results for anyone.

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    • Jamee72 says:
      Posted: 12 Mar 19

      Wow, like what you said ,, so true .

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      • Sweet_scent says:
        Posted: 05 Oct 19

        Because we are all adults looking for something meaningful, I think it will only be appropriate for us to communicate any sudden changes with whomever it is we have connected with. It's just unfair to go AWOL on your friends for whatever reasons. Communication is key!

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