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How to start dating again: The fear of getting back in the dating pool

Posted by Akila, 10 Oct

Have you gone through a bad break up and are wondering how to start dating again? Have you been single for too long that you have no clue how to get back in the dating game? A break up or a divorce can be very stressful. It is kind of like grieving for the loss of someone. And this is because it affects even family relationships that were expected to last forever. Then comes the challenge of picking up the pieces and trying to build your life again.

Today Love is All Colors looks at how you can get back in the dating game. Scroll on for more...

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How to start dating again

How long does it take to get over someone?

It all depends on individuals. But after a while, there are those of us who consider getting back in the game again. Now, depending on how long you had been with someone, the how long to get over a break up determines the readiness to want to date again. And it is not as easy for most people who have been in relationships for too long. Times change. So the main challenge for most is getting used to the recent way of dating.

If for instance, you haven't dated for over 10 years, you will begin to realize that times have changed. And so have the dating norms. But if you are wondering how to start dating again, then this is the perfect time to talk to friends who are still dating so that you can get to know some ideas of the current dating scene and how to approach dating.

One thing that makes it even harder is wondering if I am ready to get hurt again. You may have been taking a break from dating because of that. But then again, if you are to move on, you can't live in such fear. At some point, you will have to get out there. Here is some advice...

How long does it take to get over someone?

How long should you wait before putting yourself out there? We definitely don't expect you to create an online dating profile the day you break up or sign divorce papers. It all depends on how emotionally draining and intense the break up was. So it might take lots of months to get into the mood of meeting someone new. You need to give yourself enough time to heal and also to learn who you have become. Being suddenly single is a new thing. So you first need to heal, discover who this single you is before you are ready to welcome someone into your life.

There are no specific rules about what to do after a break up. But if you are looking to find a future partner or connect with someone, you will have to date. The best advice on how long to get over a break up is taking a break from dating as opposed to jumping into a fresh relationship immediately after a break up. Give yourself time to focus on growing yourself and figuring out what you want your next relationship to be like. I am sure you would definitely want some things to be different from your previous relationship.

The easiest answer on how to start dating again is to try casual dating. Start with socializing first as opposed to being exclusive with someone. When you meet someone new, let them know that you want to keep things casual for the present moment.

Are you ready?

If the answer to I am ready to get hurt again is yes, then you are more than ready. We all carve affection especially if you had been attached for long. But jumping at it immediately after a break up isn't a good idea. You don't want to start crying about your ended relationship on your first date. Or be in a situation where you drink too much just so you can numb the pain you are in. Or talking endlessly about your ex.

The thing is, when you are ready, your mentality and expectations will begin to change. They will make you be a good date for a potential mate.

You need to know some things about dating. For instance, when is it time to break up or how to know if you should break up. These are some of the things that you probably didn't know that might have led to you being in a bad relationship for too long. So, how ready are you? Here are some signs...

You actually want to date

After a break up, there is usually sadness especially if the relationship ended badly. So most people feel down. And for most people (unless you are on a revenge cycle or trying to prove something to yourself), dating is usually the last thing on someone's mind. You might even miss signs from other people who are interested in you. But the moment you have moved on, you will find yourself searching for articles on how to start dating again. The world becomes colorful again. You start being attracted to people. You begin showing interest in members of the opposite sex and dating.

The fear of dating usually comes from the grief and short term depression of lost love. So one tends to lose interest in great activities like socializing and dating. But when this depression subsides, the interest comes back again. So this is the time to move from casual dating to more exclusive dating.

Good attitude towards dating

When the negative experiences you had when you were dating before you were attached stop scaring you, then you are ready to get back out there. Instead of thinking about what could go wrong, you will start thinking about how to be a better date or person for the new potential mate. If you are still carrying the hurt of your previous mate, then that's not the right time. Your attitude towards dating needs to be right. You need to be ready to get out there, meet new people and have fun while at it. A bad attitude towards dating results in bad dates.

There's never just one person to blame for the end of a marriage, and for some, that can be a tough pill to swallow. Since relationship are push-and-pull, ebb-and-flow, yes-and-no, it's important to digest what happened in your previous marriage and truly process every feeling you have. A healthy place to do this is in therapy, where an expert can help you navigate your emotions, overcome anger and let go of resentment and pain.

You have analyzed your relationship

What are the patterns of your previous relationship that you don't want to carry to a new one? Are you well versed with how to know if you should break up with someone? How did you contribute to the end of your relationship? The thing is, you can't keep blaming the other person for the negative things in your relationship. You need to take responsibility for your contribution in it. Maybe you just got so wrapped up in being attached that you didn't know when is it time to break up. You need to have gained insight to what led to the break up in order to be able to move on freely.

If you can honestly discuss how your behavior led to the end of the relationship and empathise with your ex, then that is a sign that you are ready for new relationships and that you are willing to approach them differently.

Getting started

Now that you are over the fear of how to start dating again, you need to prepare yourself to meet someone new. How and where do you meet them? It's going to be difficult at first, especially if you were in a long term relationship. However, you just need to remind yourself that you've got this! It gets easier with time. No need to fear. Just accuston yourself with the new dating styles. Here is how to start dating again...

Try online dating

After being out of the game for a while, dating sites are the easiest way to begin your search? But they are so many! Yes, it can be quite overwhelming if you are new to it. But that doesn't mean that now you download all dating apps or sign up on all online dating sites. Much as it might seem tricky, online dating is a sure way to also make new friends.

Look for a dating website that is right for you. And the easiest way to go about it is to search for the reputable ones. You can get recommendations from most online dating review sites. Test them one at a time until you find one that works for you. And when you do, don't just limit yourself to chatting endlessly. Once you establish an online connection and chemistry with someone, go out on actual dates.

Stop comparing yourself to your ex

The best advice on what to do after a break up is to stop comparing yourself to your ex. Cut down some ties you have - especially social media ties. You don't want an hour-to-hour update on their new life. This is what gives people the fear to move on.

Much as the break up might have been a mutual decision, its quite hard to see this person you have been with for a while moving on - especially if they are doing it faster than you are. The thing is, it might all just be a way of proving to you that they are doing better without you, which in most cases isn't the case. If you can, remove all temptation of keeping tabs on them. Instead, focus on yourself and the bright future ahead. Learn how to know when to break up so that you don't drag the next relationship too long.

The other thing is forgiveness. If you are constantly keeping tabs on them, then you won't give yourself the space to heal from the break up. To be able to completely move on, you need to find forgiveness. You need to fully let go of the past relationship and all the resentment you might be haboring. Close that chapter and be ready for new possibilities and connections ahead. Holding on to the past will only make you miss great opportunities ahead.

Once you cut such ties, you will find yourself open to grabbing drinks with others and socialzing. And the more you do this, the faster you will find yourself moving on. Just be honest with yourself about your readiness to date. If casual is what you are comfortable with at the moment, then do that. Don't rush into a relationship when you are not equipped for it. Give yourself time.

Want to know a man's opinion on what to do after a breakup? Read this article...