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Is it Okay to Talk with a Man About His Small Penis?

Posted by Evan, 11 Oct

Does size really matter? One of our readers is wondering if she should point this out to the great man she just met. Here is her email...

I met a great guy on a dating site two months ago and we’ve been spending a good amount of time together since. We have great conversation and have fun together no matter what we do. He values me for who I am, and it feels great that I can completely be myself around him. He’s already quite smitten, which feels nice, but I’ve recently been wanting to hit reverse on the whole thing. Here’s why:

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When we finally became somewhat intimate recently after a great make-out session (I guess it would be third base, whatever third base is these days…hands under clothing) I made a surprising discovery. I’m not sure how to candy coat this one, so I’ll just say it: he has an extremely small penis, even when at full mast. I was shocked and didn’t know what to do, so I did nothing. As in, once I located the goods, I didn’t interact with it at all and pretended it wasn’t there. The makeout session ended a little while later and I’ve had zero interest in having another one.

I know there’s nothing he can do about it. Genetics are what they are. But I don’t know what to do. Do I have a conversation with him about it? What would I even say? “Hey, do you realize your penis is kinda small?” I’m sure he’s well aware and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. But I am quickly losing interest in dating him altogether.

I can’t imagine having sex with him. And I’m also feeling a little guilty for feeling this way, for asking you this question, and for not wanting to get physical again with a guy who can’t help that he’s stuck with the short end of the stick.

Help!

Allison

Is it wrong that this letter makes me smile? Probably. Oh well.

Somehow, in answering 1000+ questions over the last 10 years, the small penis one has never, um, come across my desk, and I’ve never thought of how to, um, handle it.

To your credit, Allison, you sound self-aware and compassionate.

  • It’s not his fault that he has been genetically cursed. (An erection of less than 2 ¾” only occurs in 0.6% of men.)

  • It’s not your fault that you found yourself suddenly unsure of what to do.

  • And it’s not wrong of you to potentially determine that his lack of equipment may ultimately be a dealbreaker.

The only way I can offer constructive feedback would be to, um, switch positions and ask yourself what it would be like if, after you removed your clothes for a new man, he suddenly found your body to be grossly unappealing.

Would you want him to stop what he’s doing, jaw agape?

Would you want him to continue to pretend your unappealing body wasn’t there?

Would you want him to quickly find an exit strategy to end his own discomfort?

Probably not. Such an interaction can be emotionally scarring – and if this guy is as small as you say, I’m sure he’s had more than his share of scars.

The kindest way to deal with things would have been to act like absolutely nothing was wrong and go with the flow. No paralysis, no ignoring his penis, no quick getaways.

The same way you’d teach your children not to stare at a dwarf or a burn victim, the last thing you want to do is make this guy feel MORE self-conscious.

If you’d kept hooking up with him like normal, you would have been kind, compassionate, and patient. Maybe you’d discover that he could still get the job done.

Maybe not. But that would be a decision you could have made after the experience, rather than before.

Listen, there are a million reasons to break things off with someone. Kindness. Consistency. Communication. Commitment. Character. Money. Religion. Politics.

Penis size – or any other personal physical turnoff – is just another one.

But, as you’ve noted, there’s nothing to talk about and certainly nothing he can learn from this situation. So as always, lead with kindness:

If he follows up with you for another date, just let him know he’s a great guy, you’re just not feeling a strong romantic connection and wish him the best of luck in his search.

He’s certainly going to need it.

Evan Marc Katz is a dating coach who specializes in helping smart, strong, successful women understand and connect with men since 2003. Thousands of his clients have fallen in love, gotten married, started families, and found happiness – after only a few months of coaching. His latest dating book, “Why You’re Still Single – Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad”, was a critical success. He also operates a popular blog, EvanMarcKatz.com, which serves as a one-stop shop for anyone trying to understand relationship dynamics. Combining the insight of Dr. Drew and the wit of Adam Carolla, Katz has answered hundreds of challenging and controversial questions with a unique combination of logic, experience, and empathy. Take Evan's dating quiz.

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8 responses to "Is it Okay to Talk with a Man About His Small Penis?"

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  1.   Louisba says:
    Posted: 04 Aug 20

    Well,,a man's size doesn't really have to be what would break a relationship... except the girl's foscus is on only enjoyable sex...tell me,,so men who are small sized,,, should they die...no...a woman befitting would compose and no that it wasn't his fault...so this is my opinion.. thanks

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  2.   Phoenix5365 says:
    Posted: 07 Oct 19

    There’s no reason for her to continue seeing someone who cannot satisfy her. She deserves to be pleased during sex. Now, she never explained what “small” was to her but if it’s anything like my definition (which I’ll keep to myself), there’s no need suffering through it. I tried and it was a horrible experience which probably made him feel worse than not doing it at all. Be kind and considerate but it’s okay to tell him your feelings have changed.

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  3.   mirelajohn says:
    Posted: 18 Oct 18

    All the problem everytime with men and women comes from this that : 1.they are against cheating 2. Even more bad they search only the kind person that has all qualities they like ,this is why world is like this ,cus people are not open minded and they dont realize what is real life

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  4.   Prismatic says:
    Posted: 13 Oct 18

    The only thing I agree with is to not bring up the issue of his penis size. The author gave some good "what if the roles were reversed" situations as to why talking to him about his penis size is a dumb idea. However, I don't agree with forcing yourself to continue on with sex when you aren't feeling it anymore. You know what you want. Why force yourself? Some guys will break up with a girl for not having sex with them right away so why is it wrong for a girl to stop seeing a guy because of penis size?

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    • Paganinifan says:
      Posted: 17 Oct 18

      "Some guys will break up with a girl for not having sex with them right away so why is it wrong for a girl to stop seeing a guy because of penis size?" You're basically saying that women should stoop to the level of men who act like idiots. You're literally reducing a man to his penis size and you're ok with doing that? What if your son was the man with the small penis and he had a difficult time finding a life partner? Or your brother, even? It's true that SOME men will not bother with a woman for not giving in to having sex right away, but that's not the equivalent of a body part being discriminated against.

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  5.   Paganinifan says:
    Posted: 12 Oct 18

    Great! The ever so popular penis size issue....yet again *sigh* What do the feminists have to say about this? Aren't they all about "equality, acceptance and no discrimination"? Aren't they about "body positivity"? Oh wait...that's only for fat women. Hey, I have an idea - how about we discuss some women's rather LARGE vaginal opening size, eh? Let's see how THAT one goes over (wait...did you hear that scream? That was a feminist reacting to what I just said because men should know that ALL vaginas snap back into place.....yeah...ok!). Ever been with a woman who's vagina was so loose that no matter how big your penis is, you felt like you were humping air? Yeah...let's talk about that and see what women have to say when a man decides that's not the kind of woman he wants to continue TRYING to make love to. Nothing is going to phase her. She'll need to buy large plastic toys to satisfy herself. BTW, thanks for using a photo of a WHITE man for this article's image and thumbnail. The self-hating white liberals will be happy to see that. Good job!

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    • mirelajohn says:
      Posted: 18 Oct 18

      Haha take it easy ive seen black men also with small size . It is what i said ,people have wrong view for life and sex that why they suffer . of course u cant make sex with anyone that dont like not matter of the reason ,but in the same moment u can make with someone u like but not stopping relationship ,since people dont realize it will suffer

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