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Should you let your friend date your "troubled" ex?

Posted by Ria, 31 Oct

I believe we have all heard and coined dating rules within our clique of friends. And one rule that always makes friends cross the fine love between love and hate is dating a friend’s ex. This is always marked as a NO GO ZONE by most of us. (Well at least it applies to me)

So what do you do when your friend has no idea she or he is dating your ex?

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Janice used to date Tom about 10 years ago and they split up because she couldn’t hack his moods. After their mighty break-up, not only did Tom sink into a depression but he also became very violent. Even while they were dating, he used to exhibit signs and pangs of violence once in a while.

Tom was very upset when they split up and made stalking Janice his favorite pass time. It didn’t just end there… he vandalized her car which she has saved up almost all her life’s earnings to buy and even threatened to kill himself and Janice on more than one occasion. She had to get a restraining order against him.

A few weeks later, Tom’s mum called Janice with some disturbing news. He had had a breakdown and was going into hospital to get help. Janice felt bad about it but his mum assured her that was not her fault his son was ill.

She kept in touch with his ex’s mum when she moved away and the last she heard from her was that Tom had gotten his act together and was doing okay.

Having moved to a new city, Janice made a new friend called Emma. And since friends like bragging to their friends about their new catch, Emma began talking about this wonderful person she had met via the internet. Turns out this wonderful man is Tom… Janice’s ex.

Tom and Emma are due to spend a weekend together soon. And up to now, Emma knows nothing about her new catch being Janice’s troubled ex. Since Emma has searched for love for so long, Janice is afraid that she won’t take the news very well and it may put a strain on their friendship.

Should she tell her about her past relationship with this ‘wonderful man’ Emma seems to have found or should she go by the assumption that Tom has changed and let it be? What if Tom turns violent again and Emma finds out that Janice once dated this man and never told her of his violent history? Won’t that be worse than just telling her now?

Tags: the ex factor, relationship issues

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  1.   homesteader says:
    Posted: 12 Oct 09

    X is what it was / Her life means nothing to me She will Enjoy if she desires . ??????? . What is the Question again ?

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  2.   mossimo says:
    Posted: 11 Nov 07

    My label says extremely flammable,Fala. Yours?

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  3.   Dimpz says:
    Posted: 10 Nov 07

    Ermmm some mothers believe their offspring can do no wrong!

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  4.   Ebonegirl says:
    Posted: 09 Nov 07

    I totally agree with Ebony_G. Janice and Emma WEREN'T friends when Janice dated Tom. Plus it was 10 years ago. Now that Janice knows it's her ex, and if she really likes Emma and think they'll be good friends, she should mention it to Emma and leave it at that. She should only divulge specifics about Tom's behaviour if Emma asks,but mention that his mom truly believes he has changed for the good.

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  5.   Ebony_G says:
    Posted: 08 Nov 07

    Under these circumstances it should be ok for the friend to date the ex. She wasnt a friend when Janice and Tom were dating and therefore didnt know. The issue here is whether Emma should be told about Tom's violent past. Maybe it would be worth talking to the Tom's mother first and getting her take on the situation. His mother should know whether he has changed or not. If the mother is happy that he is a changed man then nothing should be said. I think that Janice should mention that she she dated Tom because she is bound to find out sooner or later should a relationship develop and Emma might get upset because she wasnt told. Especially if he behaved the same way with her. Emma is old enough to make up her own mind as to whether she dates him or not. 10 years is a long time and Tom may have changed. Everyone deserves a second chance. right?

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  6.   Floridagem says:
    Posted: 06 Nov 07

    This is easy! If she were my 'true' friend in terms of what a true "friend" is in Webster's dictionary, then I would definitely would NOT want her to date an ex, much less a 'troubled' ex. If I care enough about a person, why would I want them to be hurt by someone who has 'troubles/ issues'? That certainly wouldn't be cool. People today don't like to get into other people's affairs, and I understand the right to privacy, but I believe that in cases where they may know of someone's negative past beahvior/ history, then it would be fine to inform. At least, let your friend know what happened in your relationship, then let them choose their own actions from there. By the way, isn't that how cyclical abuse and deaths occur, simply by ignoring the problem? I say nip it in the bud when first observed. That would save lots of lives and heartache. Have a heart people; be selfless and other-centered!

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  7.   hoganfan says:
    Posted: 05 Nov 07

    NO...UNLESS YOU WANT TO LOSE HIM OR HER AS YOUR FRIEND!!!

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  8.   fala says:
    Posted: 03 Nov 07

    True dat Coco!

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  9.   Eden says:
    Posted: 02 Nov 07

    What doesn’t work for doesn’t mean it won’t work for someone else. Friend or not, if you are secure with your self it shouldn't bother you at all. Unless the “Ex᾿ is crazy or violent I think you should keep whatever problems the two of you had to yourself. And if you told your friend about your ex’s issues, and they date them anyway. Well some people think they can do a better job. Truly it’s about chemistry, energy or timing. What ever you want to call it but it just wasn’t right for you & the ex. So move on learn what from your mistake. Because you may see you’re ex one day, & just want to say thank you. Because you moved on & found something better. That is working for you.

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  10.   cocokisses says:
    Posted: 02 Nov 07

    No way man...if she is a friend, she wouldn't want to date someone I've been with anyway. If she does, how do you know that she wasn't getting her flirt on with him while you were together?

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  11.   Tasha says:
    Posted: 02 Nov 07

    I agree with vt33, there is no "should". I myself believe that it's tacky, immoral, and a karma how would you feel if I did that to you kind of thing. But not everyone gives a care about how others feel,how their actions effect others, etc. I mean when you two are talking over a girls lunch, are you going to talk about your man problems? especially when you know he's already been with you and you know everything about him down to the mole on the underside of his..you know what i mean. It's not something you do to someone you care about as a friend, confidant, its not right. So more of Do you think that its right when your friend dates your Ex? UMM my answer would be no..Id say go ahead if she took my feelings into consideration even if I was over it, and knows I wouldnt do it to her, if she asked how I would feel about it first, Id get licensed to be a preacher for a day and marry them,its the consideration factor for me. But let it all be, and if someone says something then you can use that--well, I didnt want to hurt your feelings or you have the wrong impression,ill feelings towards me so I left it alone.

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  12.   vt33 says:
    Posted: 02 Nov 07

    I don't think SHOULD, can even be a part of the sentence. The situation presented is a little obscure. You can't prevent someone from dating a ex-boyfriend, girlfriend. I think it does plays a trick on the mind. It can scorn a person a bit. It's like a hidden disrespect. Plus, who the hell wants their best friend to know secrets so deep that they didn't tell their best friend. Plus what happans if they get married, and you are the bride maid or the best man? You feel like a salty doughnut. Dump them both, save yourself the hurt.lol

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  13.   blkbeauty31 says:
    Posted: 02 Nov 07

    hey all!!! yeh, in the case where my friend is already dating someone i used to date and didnt know beforehand, that might make things more complex. i would still let my friend know, but also that i am just lookin out - not hatin' or jeaslous.

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  14.   fala says:
    Posted: 01 Nov 07

    I wonder what kind of label Mossimo comes with . . .

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  15.   mossimo says:
    Posted: 01 Nov 07

    Exes should come with warning labels

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  16.   hoganfan says:
    Posted: 01 Nov 07

    Don't date the dummy!

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  17.   fala says:
    Posted: 01 Nov 07

    Tell her, Girl. In fact, go to Dontdatehimgirl.com and tell the whole world about him.

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  18.   Dimpz says:
    Posted: 31 Oct 07

    Hmmm this is a tricky senario - my mates and I wouldn't date any of the ex's - we've been too busy laughing about them. Ok time to be serious. In this case I think Janice could mention she used to date this guy but there is no need to go into great details about it. The man could have changed for the better - I am definately hoping so. I think Janice has to just wait and see how things pan out before she goes telling Emma anything.

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  19.   blkbeauty31 says:
    Posted: 31 Oct 07

    WHAT'S UP ALL!!! MY FRIENDS AND I DONT DATE EACH OTHER'S EX'S, BUT IF WE DID, I WOULDNT PASS SOMEONE ON TO THEM THAT I KNEW WAS NO GOOD. GOOD BLOG AS USUAL RIA ; ). HAVE A GREAT DAY ALL...

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  20.   Fkoi says:
    Posted: 31 Oct 07

    Wow! There's all kinds of issues going on here. Generally, I wouldn't want a friend to date an ex, depending on how close the friendship is and whether I have been able to maintain any kind of closeness with my ex. If not, there's always a reason why she is an ex and running into her on a social basis regularly would be uncomfortable, at least at first. On the other hand, I might just need to get over myself and let my friend run his own life. That said, when there is a history of abuse (which would include stalking and vandalism most assuredly), I think I have a duty to alert my friend so that he could be watching out for signs. If this ex is still controlling and manipulative, that should be a signal that if she doesn't get her way that the "old" patterns may reappear. I put "old" in quotes because I've never known a "cure" to be like a switch that just turns inappropriate behavior off like a lamp. It tends to be a process and I would hate my friend to be the one before the abusive behavior is finally "under control". Before I do that however, I should probably ask my friend if that want my experience. If I offer it, I have to be ready to accept the results. I also have to be ready to let my friend do what he wants with the information.

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