Vanishing men - Keepers or Losers?
"Dude just disappeared on me… He never even texts. Is he not interested in me? Was it all about the sex?"
Mysterious men! One minute he is killing you with the endless, freaky text messages… Blip! And it all disappears. Many women have fallen for these grand opening theatrics that lure them and get them sucked into those drugging conversations… that kiss… that… And before you know it, you have become a junky for him.
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So why the disappearing act?
Men fear such overwhelming relationships because they are afraid of rejection just like women. Problem is they beat women to the pushing-you-away games almost all the time. Here are some explanations:
Some men are just cowards. The moment they smell a conflict brewing, they either pull away by restricting communication to emails and text messages or just disappear. Others just have the grass-is-greener mentality. He just has a hard time making up his mind… constantly trying to see if he can do better than you. Then there are those who – much as they have a dream of having a perfect marriage and all – just slack. A dude who never finished his college degree, never finished ... He just never gets to the finish line. Yes he was engaging and all but in his life, he has never seen anything to the end.
These are just but some of the reasons men disappear. The thing is, some usually come back after a while. So what should one do? Give him time and hope he grows up someday or dump his a** as soon as he pulls a disappearing act?
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58 responses to "Vanishing men - Keepers or Losers?"
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Jeff2555 says:Posted: 10 Apr 10Some guys like the idea of being "superman"-no faults, no shortcomings. But the closer he gets emotionally and in lifestyle to a woman the more he realizes that she will eventually see and expreience his faults and weaknesses, and this can be very difficult for some guys to live with. In our culture today men are tought to be strong and stoic, so showing weakness, or fault, is thought of as a prelude to failure. Better for the guy-in his thinking-to get off that highway now rather than risk the crash which is surely ahead.
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takinitall says:Posted: 08 Apr 10@ Ylady Don't chasnge your profile to see what responses you get. Be yourself and nothing less. A real man will see and appreciate you for you. Talk to your brothers and other men in your life for feedback. If you become the super freak that you're not it's going to nurt you even more. Pray and let God handle it. I know its hard and you may want to give up, but your babies are watching.
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airvenus says:Posted: 08 Apr 10
i couldn't read everyone's posts but the ones i read so far was enough. FIRST, never ever reconnect w/ a vanishing guy. you will disrespect yourself if you do. if a guy disappears, it should be obvious that not only is he a coward and loses the right to call himself a man, but he cared THAT much about you to not even say goodbye or whatever. a guy disappears b/c he Was Not That Into You. SECOND, the signs may be obvious before that happens. i've read some of your posts and if a gut mostly text messages you, that's lame. there's nothing wrong in texts but if most of your communication is online or text after knowing each other for awhile then he doesn't want the mere intimacy of hearing your voice. (or maybe as some of you say, he married or as a gf). Also, never travel to met a guy you met online. I a man is interested he will come to you. Especially if he's any quality man, he will not ask you as a woman to travel to a town that you do not know. the only difference is if he lives in a big city and you live in a smaller town and there's more to do in his city and it's only say no more than an hour away. But if you're having long travels (esp one that involves a plane) you are already showing how high you would jump to meet him.
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501venus says:Posted: 06 Apr 10
Lastly, returning a call, not only shows interest, it gives someone respect. Not returning, can mean you are purposely ignoring and pushing that person away. It also can be a way of controlling by punishing that person, or simply have hostility & resentment build up against that person. I would rather talk it out, agree to disagree and move on, then, never knowing whatever happened. To me, it's like watching a mystery movie on the tv. I start getting into the characters and the plot, I get up to get something to eat and when I sit back down after the commercials, it has disappeared. I never know what happened & why it disappeared. In this situation, it is purposely and deliberately done. That is not nice, and can be thought of as being extremely rude.
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501venus says:Posted: 06 Apr 10
I have read a wide assortment of replies, comments and opinions. In my mind, no one can predict and analyze who will be a vanishing type or won't. One won't know until one spends time and learns more about that person. Time is the key element, no one knows for sure what anyone will do at any given time. If we could, then, we all would not be on any site, it would come naturally for all to meet those that are compatible and compliment us. Lastly, there would be no divorce as there would be no disappointments in expectations. How we treat one another should be the manner in which we want to be treated. What comes around, goes around is true. Respect, and trust go hand-in-hand in any relationship. No trust, no respect, no "healthy & positive" love. Unless, we are talking outside of "normal" behavior (stalker, mentally unbalanced, abusive, or alcoholic and/or drug addict) there should be no reason NOT to treat people civily. If one treats someone differently than how they would treat their boss, family and close friends that can be a warning. So can it be that one never meets business associates, family, and friends. But, some people know how to "mask" their true sides and can "blindside" someone suddenly and suprisingly. For whatever their "baggage" (worried about encouraging someone, not ready to commit, work and/or family related issues etc.), should be no excuse to treat someone in an indifferent and apathetic manner. If there is arguments, no issues with money, then there should be some consideration of feelings. What goes around, comes around, in addition, if one can't love, they can't receive it too. After all, 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week, it gets lonely being an island, they will have to reach out someday for something. How one gets treated is how easily one gets reacted to.
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jade74 says:Posted: 06 Apr 10AMEN TO BNB.....SIS you said what we have topics about in the chat room.....Most don't listen or pay attention to what is said and ACTION.
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beautynbooty says:Posted: 06 Apr 10Hmmm.. well ladies my response will be short and to the point. The red flags are there when you first meet or speak. Your gut or what I like to call "spidey senses" tingle when something isn't right. Most women, myself included, have chosen to ignore them and pursue the relationship. If a man is telling you he loves you after a couple of emails, ims and phone convos, then something is not right. He is rushing for a reason and it's usually not a good one. Ladies, we need to face the reality that some men on here(and women)are here just for the game of finding a new booty call. They like the game of finding, saying all the right things( I call them shape shifters..i.e. they like what you like, eat, listen too, etc.)just to get you to come meet them . When they have gotten what they want, (usually sex) then the disappearing act takes place. Then its on the the next person. I think, and this is just MY OPINION..that we as black women see the signs, but think cause its a white man that he wouldn't do that to us. When in reality, they do on this site, and often. We need to face the fact that most of the guys (and again women) on this site haven't date interacially serious, only for sex. They have no intent on taking a black female home to meet the parents or friends. I heard one female on here say she has been "dating" this guy for about 7 months and have yet to meet friends or fam. Everytime she asks, he says he isn't ready to face that. Huh? But you are declaring your love for me? You can lay with me in private but can't introduce me to your friends and fam? When she asked again, he pulled the disappearing act on her.. she didn't hear from him again until another female told her that they are dating. And yes, she ignored the red flags and spidey senses. Ladies, and some gents, all I am saying is, yes it does hurt, but some of us walk into it with eyes wide open..don't think white men wont do this to you, that makes the pain even worse. Go into interacial datng with the same expectations you would dating a black man. Pay attention to the signs and warnings.. and be woman enuff to walk away from those that don't add up. Thats just some of my thoughts from the peanut gallery. Please excuse me if I dont make any sense, just coming of a 36 hr shift. Greianna
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everlynmu says:Posted: 05 Apr 10..And cry if you want but dont dwell on it too long it takes too much energy and can age you...very fast..or spoil your relationships with family and your children. I love man too but this days i do travel lightly as well and enjoy today.
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everlynmu says:Posted: 05 Apr 10
Am a victim of the vanishing dude never got an explanation and when he tried to come back i blocked him as id learnt a lesson....He was a HOLIDATER...but didnt want to say in his first email...or his last. Ladies too do the vanishing act,a few years later i was the holidater but told the guy upfront. But he didnt believe me and when on to propose within a week...when i said no and ended communication after the holiday; the guy now says i vanished on him. So it can happen both ways and i believe most of the explanations above. If we all can be honest and hurt once than leave a broken heart and dreams shared...say your name proudly MY NAME IS...AND AM A HOLIDATER....WANT TO DATE ME? It would save sleepless nights and tears and grrrr. But am happy to have met the dude am wiser now..
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okherewego says:Posted: 04 Apr 10
The Vanishing Guy is the guy not ready for a true committment; as well as the Vanishing Lady who does the same thing. When adults are ready for a committment to someone they love and want to spend their lives with, the excuses, vascilation and all undecisiveness about the relationship will cease. Any new beginning can be frightening and unsure, but how will you know except you are willing to give it a try. If someone has played the disappearing act on you once, what makes you think after a week, month or even a year that they are all of a sudden ready to committ now. I think you should not waste your time since there are plenty of fish in the sea.
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lv2rt2234 says:Posted: 04 Apr 10And then there are souls that have been very damaged, they are selfish and only want to use you. They are abusive because they have been abused. 75% of the people on line are damaged souls and haven't been able to heal. Listen to them carefully and only allow yourself to be their friend. You only need one person for that special relationship. You can't have too many friends. Many blessings.
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lv2rt2234 says:Posted: 04 Apr 10
The biggest problem is we don't listen. As women wanting a relationship with a great guy we tend to see and hear only what we want. When in fact he has already told us what he's going to do and we refused to hear it. There are men on here that has states clearly in his profile, "currently separated" and here we are "dating" him. "Currently separated" means HE'S STILL MARRIED, people. I don't care if he states I getting a divorce...It only takes a couple of hundred of dollars and several pieces of paper. If he can't get a divorce in 6 months, he's paying with you and any excuse is just that an excuse to STAY MARRIED. If he's still married he should NOT be here, get a divorce first then start dating. Secondly, often we create a great guy "in our heads" and bless him with our rosy vision and we force him to live under our "perfect guy" vision. He's having a ball and you're suffering because ever once and a while his true self sticks out. Listen to everything he says to you with a clear understanding. Hear his words and don't let him "lie" to you. Hey I'm guilty of that myself. I communicated a guy for 4 months and come to find out he was a con-man from Nigeria. How did I discover this? He stated it to me in so many words and I listened...I checked out everything he stated and complete refused to transfer and money of any kind. In fact since then I've come across three other "men" with this same exact story and there are clues that I discovered that they all use. Just yesterday I complete cut one off when I again heard the same exact story. The clue is let him tell you what he's about first and check out everything. Didn't get "in love" with anyone and don't be afraid to be alone. Sometimes, facing a future of "being alone" is our worst enemy. Lastly, don't exclusively date anyone until you have meet in person, physically dated for a couple of times and you both are talking about marriage. Then and only then consider removing your profile and dating him exclusively. Believe me, he's doing it, you should too. See dating on line can be a good and bad, good because it widened your pool of potentially compatible men. Bad because it widened him pool as well. Some people get that "kid in the candy store" mentiality. Too much "candy" all over the place. Again, don't ever lead with your heart, lead with your head then slowly let your heart join the party. Many blessing to all.
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sassyscorpio says:Posted: 03 Apr 10
I had something similar happen to me. I met this man on here and i thought he was wonderful! He looked me dead in the eyes and told me he had fallen in love with me the night i had my mother's homegoing service. He went to afganistan to the war. He did 2 tours. When he finally got back, it was i'm not sure i love you anymore after waiting and praying for his safety for 2 years. Here's the good part we talked marriage before he left. We got engaged on the phone in transit. When he got back not only did he want a wife he also wanted a husband. Top that one anybody? I loved this man and truth be told still do. Tonight i seriously thought about ending my life, but i realized that no man is worth it.
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YLady says:Posted: 03 Apr 10
I grew up in the country and most of my friends were boys. I was the girl that played football, rode dune buggies, craw fished, fished, target shotting in the woods before I could drive, driving way before I could legally have a license and learned to change my own oil and tires, break down a dryer and try to fix it all with boys, my brothers, my dad, or my uncle. During my professional years I worked with both sexes but always was drawn to men. Let's not mention I live by the largest Army base in this country. Sometimes I feel like men are falling out the sky here. I say that to say this. I have listened to them talk about how their woman do not have sex like she did twenty years ago. How she put on weight but the last one did not do that when she had a baby. She never wants to go out on the weekends. I use to have fun "thirty years ago" with that woman. My best one, well when I was with so and so she did worked out everyday, she cooked like this or cleaned like that. Just a side bar nobody cares for small kids all day, cooks, clean, does laundry in heels, fresh hair, make up and sexy clothes except on television. Most women who work in the yard do not wear two piece swimsuits. Unless genetically you are small, can afford a trainer, or have surgery, she may not be a size two forever. Men talk about woman and they bring baggage into a new relationship as well. Most people, men and women, want their mate to be their best friend. So isn't part of being friends sharing your deepest secrets? What happen when you were five, how that guy you lost your virginity to broke your heart, and what we hated about that last guy. We do it to share and open up our heart, and hopefully by discussing what happened in your last relationship your new man will not repeat the same pattern. For example, the last man left his dirty clothes in the floor for you. So you tell your new man this is why you stay on him about it. So does that mean you are bringing drama? I know my male friends complain about their women, their ex's, how much sex they do or do not get, how much money he spent on her, getting anniversary, birthday, Christmas gifts. It just sounds different coming out of a female's mouth.There is not one creature on the earth that is not affected by the things in their past or present. It is arguable that a kid that was molested becomes either a molester or has issues with trust and relationships. If you are involved in a horrible car accident, wouldn't you be mindful of that area or circumstance that caused the accident? Isn't wanting your steak cooked like your ex did it, bringing old crap in your new relationship. When I first got married, my husband use to always say something like why are you cooking it like that because she use to cook it like this. Wanting the new woman to bring you a beer to you while you sit and watch tv like the old lady, is baggage. Most woman talk to other people to gain wisdoom from certain situations. Most men will talk to people about it but will not gain any wisdom. If ten women left them for the same reason, it is not him it is the women. As long as you are taking care of her financially and not beating her, then she should not get mad cause you cheat? You gave her everything right? Most of the time we want your heart. I have always been a believer in telling people if you do not like what I have to say then do not listen. Think about this... it is through unity that we become stronger. If we as women, band together to give advice to the younger ladies how to cook, how to take her of her body, how to care for her kids, sharing our mistakes so perhaps they do not go down the same path then wouldn't that not be creating a stronger better generation of phenominal woman? Because of where I live I have seen grown men doing stuff and playing games that I have not seen since I was a teen. Some of it was not funny then and it is definitely not funny when men doing it. Often men will support each other in their games and cheating, instead of sharing some wisdom. But, if we get together and share our experiences we are whinning, or nagging, or just bringing up drama. If you spent the last fifteen years with a mate that cheated, abused you, did not manage money, or whatever, wouldn't any sane person be reluctant when you are in a new relationship? It is not about drama it is about self preservation and the desire not to go there again. Thank you takinitall for your kind words. But, I changed my profile today to see what responses I get. Everybody calmd to want a good woman, but no that is not true. They do not want the woman that you know will not cheat, they want the beautiful freak that will more than likely sleep with their best friend when they all get drunk. Thanks for listening, YLady
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Miss_Jude says:Posted: 03 Apr 10
that should have been learning curve of LIFE!!! x
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Miss_Jude says:Posted: 03 Apr 10
Very true @ no player!! I have enjoyed reading these comments and now believe the topic of conversation should be changed to ''How to empower yourself, grow and become stronger if he/she decides to vanish''.... or ''If he/she is foolish enough to vanish will you be smart enough to let him/her go....?'' or ''Disappointment is part of the learning curve of live, have you learnt from this situation and are you now ready to move on.....?'' Good luck to all in your search x
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Khasema says:Posted: 02 Apr 10
He's dating more than you or married. That's what I think.
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maxhnb says:Posted: 02 Apr 10
kissime, I like how you closed your post with "I love man...they're enjoyable". How poignant, touching. Inviting. Women are the milestones of my life. Every truly valuable experience of accomplishment in my life has involved a woman who was close to me. Starting with Grandmother, sister...and then into life. At this time in life, the quality of it depends on how and with whom it is shared. I drove up to Lake Tahoe one summer and as I stood there in that brisk beautiful air, looking at the incredible view, something was missing, someone to share this with. If anything that date is a strong memory for who was missing from it. I guess I am a hopeless romantic in one sense. I want to nurture, see everyone prosper and grow. this is why this entire conversation about how someone just disappears, leaves me zapped. Why hide from an opportunity ? I wouldnt hide from anything i made an appointment with.
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Ms.Detroit says:Posted: 02 Apr 10Interesting topic. I see the disappearing act has happen to a couple of us. I'm new to the dating game after being married for 19 years, so I was in for a suprise the first time it happen. Venus I understand your pain and fustrations. I met someone on this site and he called also 4 or 5 times a day, never went to bed without a call. The relationship was strong in the beginning, but after 4 months it was all over. I don't care what anyone say; when that happens it hurts, and when you are a caring loving person you don't expect that from another human being period. It's easy to say watch out for the game, but it's not that easy to always catch the game being played. It's all about respect and treating people the way you want to be treated. On one wants to be on guard 24/7 each time you meet someone.
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blaqbeauty4 says:Posted: 01 Apr 10Thank you all for posting.. I am in the process of letting go of a very similar situation. Although we never physically connected, i truly thought i had met my soulmate. Now i realize i was just elected to be the new notch on a belt and to face beratement in public chat rooms. I am very busy in my professional life and the man that i fall in love with would need to understand for the moment. It is not 4ever. I have never believed in ld relationships and certainly am skeptical of online connections. I am hopeful that people can let their human essence show instead of the animal. L
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NOPLAYER says:Posted: 01 Apr 10
Why waste your time wondering why? Just know he had the POWER to disappear and he did! We cant make people stay with us but we can ask serious questions of them, hereby we'll gain enough information to know if the person is worth our time. Once you find out what you need to know about a person, you may be the one who needs to pull a disapperaing act and that's the problem most women dont know when to disappear / be gone! I find it strange that women know how to shop for everything but a man. Women are masters of finding the best buy and getting the most for their buck but many are in bad shape when it comes to selecting men. Another problem women have is they're junk collectors, they want to hold on the things and people they know they need to get rid of. I travel light at all times,I dont need a bunch of baggage in my life so I know when to let go of things and poeple, if need be! Ladies it's simple, "if he's not upholding you, he's holding you down!" Maybe the disappearing party has unknowingly doing you a big favor, so be grateful. Peace!
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kissime says:Posted: 01 Apr 10I don't know the_dude :) so I don't know about his confirmation. But seriously, live your lives, respect it, treat people with kindness. Enjoy the journey-stop focusing on finding "the 1" If I don't make time to find a great man to eventually have a respectful, loving relationship with-I will never date;Because I am extremely busy and when I go out by myself or with friends--a relationship is never my focus. I've been single for 2 years, and honestly I'm used to it. But I know I want to grow with a loving man. I love man...they're enjoyable. Kissime
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takinitall says:Posted: 31 Mar 10
@ Ylady My heart goes out to you. What the guy should have said was I'm not ready to be a real man. He probably fed you a bunch of lies about what he has or can do, and never expected to meet in person and get caught. I read your profile and you are a beautiful person inside and out. You opened up and was honest with what you wanted. Your babies deserve to see you in a healthy, happy and nurturing relationship. The man you choose will have to love you no matter what. Weight goes up and down, but your spirit doesn't change. A real man will love you for who you are spiritually not what you look like or drive. I applaud you for going to meet him, because so many of the people here are afraid to step away from the computer. Don't loose sight or settle for less, because of this jerk. Girl keep praying and being a momma to those babies, and God will reveal him to you.
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the_dude says:Posted: 31 Mar 10to clear this up for all concerned I can confirm that it was indeed 'only about the sex'.
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kissime says:Posted: 31 Mar 10
It's saddening reading this. QuietSeeker, I agree with what you you wrote. however, I feel a lot of people are too bittered and defensive. As with everything in life-we must learn to balance. I feel many of us (men & women) are resisting love. We're all here for a a reason:LOVE. Yet we are all against it. Before attacking please read some of your responses. We have all been hurt, and to some extent we're continuously hurting ourselves by announcing all of the baggages our love prospects have or may have based on our past experiences. We are so quick to judge and point fingers without giving an honest chance (raising my hand) We all have bills. But just because one may have less than another does not mean the less fortunate is after your money. Because the last man or woman hurt you it does not guarantee another punch in your throat. The disagreement we just had may just be a matter of opinion. I'm looking for love. But my first date with you; marriage is not on my mind. I'm not trying to have your babies based on a few conversations or meetings. I think a lot of us have been on dating sites for so long we forget the reason our heart beat and endless smiles formed lines on our faces when we thought how nice it will be when we find that special someone to share our lives with. Please stop trying to prove your independence. Stop trying to prove how right you are when you think negatively of a person. Stop telling me how beautiful I am just so you can say "see there's another one. I tell her she's beautiful and she doesn't appreciate it" I do appreciate it, sincerely, thank you. But, give me a chance to look into your heart. I met a man here-we talked on the phone for about 3 months before meeting. We live about 30 minutes away, but I'm very cerebral, so instead of meeting right away I wanted his every words to excite me. We met, and he was a good man. Do you all want to know why we're not together? The point is, we all have issues- rather tedious at time. But regardless it may seem grand to the individual (to each his own) Do you still want to know why it did not work out? We spoke on the phone every day. On our date he started talking about how jealous his last long term girlfriend was. How she would make him pay for any unconscious stare at another woman...she was crazy! he swore he couldn't see pass the front door without his glasses. By the end of the date we started talking about contact lenses--for I can't live without them. My glasses gets in the way when I work out. I hate having to depend on them, but most things looks like a remarkable painting of Pablo Picasso when I'm not wearing them. "Oh really" he said "I only need my glasses because I'm farsighted" The reason it did not workout was because he would send me pictures of his special events, and I would always reply and commented positively-thanking him for sharing. Sharing his daily activities with me was important to him, and therefore, I appreciated him feeling this way-so letting him know they were appreciated was not a problem with me. But one day I was busy--didn't check my e-mail. He did not call me for days. I called him-VOICEMAIL. When he finally decided to answer his phone-he was very short with me. So, I took the hint and moved on. He called me; the energy was so intense as soon as I picked up. The nice hello from him was not sincere- as if he's reason for calling me was not to play nice, but didn't want to be rude. So the nice hello was to kind of make him seem like the ever so gentle of a man he is. "I sent you pictures of me, and you didn't reply. I took the time to share, and you never said how nice they were"...crazy, yea, I know. I was being punished for not complementing his last pictures sent...I was given the tortured silent treatment. Ladies & Gentlemen, point a finger-you'll have three pointed at you. Don't jump into conclusions. Be smart. But stop fighting what you are so searching for: LOVE. Kissime
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maxhb says:Posted: 31 Mar 10Quietseeker. Sounds like you aren't a dedicated listener. The young ladies spoke about the lack of consideration shown by men who just disappear, or drop in when it suits them. courtesy isnt a bitch, it doesnt intrude on your ambitions, responsibilities, hard work. If you treat your friends associates with this attitude I am shocked you have any income at all. In fact how many of them would associate with you if you just chose to not show up on any appointment w/o calling or notice ? How would you like it if they did it to you. I have had my fill of standups on dates, and online. They are painful and waste my time. Their character is immediately broadcast as low life and bleak. I know at least that I kept my word and it wasnt me. Your style reveals the opposite about you. Its not they I dont agree that some women(and men) are whining complainers or indulgently overdramatic. But they arent my teachers. I may terminate with them, but not just disappear.
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jolly77 says:Posted: 30 Mar 10Nothing to add but that I totally agree with you girls, jeanneom & kissime. I met many liars & I am always wondering why me? It is disappointing. But than I just realize a bit later, that I am lucky to have escaped those ones, because they are not worth of my time.( And don't get me wrong this does not only apply just to men, I know some girls act the same)...But in reply to Ria's story, at the end it is better not to have any calls or any txt anymore from a lying psychopath immature thief ;-)), than hoping about something that will never be & never was meant to be & probably would have been so painful if it had been!!!!!! For those who are mature and who are here for a rational & true love,there are nice and sincere people & it is only with them that you have got to give time. Not to some skunks(!)who are messed up with themselves actually. BECAUSE THEY ARE JUST NOT CORRECT & NOT THE LIFE TIME PARTNER WE ARE LOOKING FOR AND THEY WILL NOT BE UNLESS THEY PUT ON A POSITIVE ATTITUDE, RESPECT THEMSELVES & OTHER & MANY THINGS THEY HAVE NO CLUE OF...OR THEY THINK THAT THEY ARE SMARTER ENOUGH TO DUPE OTHERS, BUT ACTUALLY NOT, BECAUSE WE SAW THE GAME,etc. Just tell yourself you are free again for a good person & it does not matter how long this will take. It will just happen.Life is beautiful.Take care.
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501venus says:Posted: 30 Mar 10
I have read all the assortment of responses. What i wrote was heartfelt. Some interpreted the exact way I wrote, while others put in "drama" and other issues. I expect what my profile states, respect. If things don't workout, the changed his feelings, it's strained finding shared interests and viewpoints, then perhaps it is best to move on. This is an emotional relationship. It is NOT business partnership, it is personal relationship. Personal relationships can be defined in so many ways (friends, casual, platonic, with benefits, no strings attached, long-term, etc.). One can use applications from the business (screening perspective applicants, doing background checks), but if you do, IT STILL DOES NOT GUARANTEE YOU CAN TRUST AND PREDICT THE OUTCOME. NO ONE CAN DESPITE THE RULES AND EXPECTATIONS YOU CAN'T PREDICT 100% WHO WILL STAY, LEAVE AND DISAPPEAR. If we all could, we would not be on this personal website. We all are looking, for what, it's not the same for everyone. Some are looking to score, others are looking for that "dream" partner, while others are hoping to find a friend and/or companion that possibly could turn into the lover/mate. However, applying business to the whole affair of personal relationships does NOT work. It removes the emotions and yes, the vulnerability or trust factors that makes one become closer and possibly be in love. What it does it keeps one at a distance, makes one detached, less sympathetic and more cold and indifferent to another. That is one of the biggest problems I see nowadays. We are more lonely and less able to connect in a trusting and loving manner. Too many people don't show their true colors, they purposely persuade, and if they are not of character and strength, they can bail out without warning. It is compatibility that we should be all looking for besides physical looks. Whatever we are trying to seek on this site, someone else should be matching/complimenting our needs and wants. They follow their agendas and step over people as if in a casting call. They look like producers and directors for that "look" which is, someone that "fits" their perceived images, not someone that compliments and enhances themselves. It would ask too much of them to do that. People don't care if they hurt someone if they don't find what they are looking. They just step over and move on that's not right. Respect is lost and I disagree with those that write that it's a normal part and we can all avoid it by how we expect to be treated. One doesn't trust, one doesn't give benefit of the doubt, and one does not accept imperfections and differences easily, just walk away don't leave anything thank yous, or appreciate the time spent. Simply avoid contact and disappear never for that person to get closure directly from you. Would you do that on a job? Some might, but would you really do that with your own parents and/or siblings? Respect is lacking in these vanishing men. If you have no respect for the person making the effort to be with you, how can you suddenly come up with respect for "the one"? You can't, you pretend to have it. You could easily bail out if anything looked remotely uncomfortable or difficult in the future. Treat others in how you want to be treated. If someone is extremely superficial and does not like the fact a woman wears bangs, it's over before he even learns about the woman. If a guy does not have a "wall street" job, it's over for that woman that wants that money. If one wants a deeper relationship that have to maintain a civilty with all. They need to show they have a code of respect, manners, consideration and can be trustworthy.
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maxhb says:Posted: 30 Mar 10
Ylady....you have my heart. I know that feeling. No excuses for many of us fear giving up who we have been. You offered yourself, your whole self and that is a wonderful thing. He will never ever find that again. All you can know is that expectations are the other side of the coin of disappointment. If you share who you are , no matter what , you will always have what you share. the value of life depends on the love that is in it. You will go for it again....because that feel that moved you before is in you, and always will be.
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maxhb says:Posted: 30 Mar 10
I broke up with someone this week. We stopped communicating, it was that simple. Even with passion it was empty... It was frustrating, painful, and I wanted more. Give me all of you and I will do the same. We must do that each day, never taking each other for granted. Race and ethnicity blur when love and openness are the focus.
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QuietSeeker says:Posted: 30 Mar 10Ladies, You do the same exact things to us; so you need to get over yourselves. Men receive their fair share of games from you all as well: pity-parties, personal hangups, left over baggage from previous relationships, tons of drama, crying games, false egos, money grabbing games, etc...blah, blah...the list is endless. I've seen and have been through just about everything. Therefore we too must protect ourselves, financially as well as emotionally. I personally don't have time for all of these hangups/issues and frankly I get tired of hearing how we are always the bad guys. But writing this is probably a waste of time because you won't respond positively to it anyway. Ladies, I have a business to run, bills to pay, a life to live. These things are positive, they build a future for others, contribute to life and society. So when a potential future partner turns to some form of drama (which usually occurs at phase "three" in a relationship) because she feels that she is not getting "proper" attention, or because I missed some "detail" in her life, I jump ship; I leave her in a heart-beat. Frankly I don't have time for, nor will I accept your drama. Also I don't pay twice for the same turf. As soon as I encounter too much drama early in a relationship, it's time to look else where for a partner. I want a person in my life that will contribute to our relationship, not take from it nor weigh it down. I judge friends, colleagues, lovers and partners (mind you my partner should be my best friend) on whether or not I would rock climb or scuba dive with them. They don't necessarily need those particular skill sets, but I need to relay on them to have that same ability and intensity. Enough of my soapbox. But ladies, if you're going to sit around and complain amongst yourselves about how tough life is or how bad you've been treated, you need to stay on the bandwagon and find a "coward" that is willing to feel sorry for you and listen to your problems; trust me there are plenty of them waiting around for you.
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takinitall says:Posted: 29 Mar 10
Kissime I totally agree with your post! Women know from day 1 what they want from a man. We hold the power, and need to be upfront with the men we date. Also we are adults stop falling for the high school game.
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soulglider says:Posted: 29 Mar 10
This is a very difficult topic to intellectualise as there is such a grey area due to the many factors involved : 1. agendas... but this can change if someone falls for another... 2. expectations... these can be surpassed, misplaced, unfair and too much too soon... 3. reality... as this is never completely stated, even if you feel you are so honest and sincere, you are always holding back something for the purpose of defence and strategy.. 4. representative... where we put our best foot forward, our most flattering (circa what?) photos and may in a round about way express our faults with a tinge of humour to mask the actual reality of such faults... 5. compensation... where we actually see such faults and ignore them, believing that its possible for them not to count "with me, because this is special, different and im in love this time".... As many times as I will say this, it never seems to find standing in peoples radar... THERE ARE FAR FEWER GOOD MEN OUT THERE THAN GOOD WOMEN!!! so its about survival of the fittest.... women are held accountable for "things not working out" because of hangups due to past failures or disasters... but on the flip side, a man would want trust without responsibility because of the "instant gratification" factor... are u seeing whats happening? the chasm between male and female is for ever and undoubtably wide... and then some.... It does not help that as a society we are programmed to be so independently minded and selfish that we don't even know how to BE TOGETHER... indeed 1 amazing woman plus 1 amazing man just makes glorified amazing room mates, and rarely a symbiosis that i witness with couples of different generations.. like my parents.... we as a communicative considerate and adaptive society, expect much of romance but not of ourselves in the manifestation of said romance in our environment. I don't believe in the "when to call rule" as much as i dont believe in the "when to have sex" rule... do it if you want to, do it if its mutually and organically wanted respectively. be bold, be honest... Nothing to lose and more importantly, less time is wasted... Women should be more discerning with men, a lie is so easy to tell but even more easily found... google them... get home numbers.. get cell numbers... call randomly...etc... do ur due diligence! If one man does not fit, or does not seem to be ready... move on... there is so much more opportunity out there! I try to be as transparent as possible, though i am inherently private... Sometimes a woman would say "you just cant commit..." to which i simply respond... "no, i just cant commit to you dear"... because people believe that they are good, kind and sincere, that if someone does not want to be with them, there must be an issue with that someone... I have met amazing women, i truly have, and have remained friends with most of them, but i am looking for someone to be AMAZING WITH! and that my hopeful peers, is the real crunch....
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YLady says:Posted: 29 Mar 10
I have looked at hundreds or maybe thousands of profiles. I finally found a guy that seem to have the same values as I do. Well it did not take long for the words I love you were coming out. He even told me he was getting us a house. He loved me or so I thought. So I go out of town to meet him. He said within the first five minutes he was disappointed and we could be friends. After that he never called or emailed. I spent the whole weekend in a strange town alone. I even tried to invite him to dinner with no response. The thing that is funny....I sent him head to toe pics of me so he knew exactly what he was getting. I tell you that I am very hesitant to meet another man on any of the sites again. I just felt like after traveling to see him, he at least could have gone out to eat with me or something. I know I would not ever treat someone like that. YLady
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oldschool56 says:Posted: 28 Mar 10@rose1866 WOW!! you put up with it that long? 6 months? He must have said some really great things to convince you. Its not worth putting up with something like that for that long. After two maybe three weeks and that is really stretching it, give it up and move on. If you sit on a couch watching television with a pizza let it be because you choose to do it, not because he blew you off. And be upfront with him and tell him... "You know I dont think this will work...holla at you later dude!" He will get the message and if he never calls again, you didnt need someone like that in the first place. 6 months you could have found someone else and been on your way to a great relationship. 6 months and you miss out on the ones who are truly interested.
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oldschool56 says:Posted: 28 Mar 10
@roseroyce & 501venus, LOL they disappear because their wife or girlfriend have other things for them to do. I used to chat with a man who would disappear in mid sentence of a nice chat online. He at first used the "my computer crashed" excuse, then "I hit the wrong button" excuse, until I found out he was married and it was the "My wife/girlfriend came into the room" excuse. When they come back for a while its because something in their life has changed. Either wifey got a night job, or she is visiting relatives for a length of time, the holidays are not here so time is more available to sit and chat online with you or he can make trips to the store and chat with you via cellphone. Maybe SOME men would get cold feet, but a lot more of them are just on here to satisfy their perverted needs. Not that being perverted is a bad thing all the time, but do YOU get to find out how much they are? But when they constantly text you and leave messages (which only takes a few seconds if they are in a hurry)then all of a sudden you dont hear from them for a while, check the time period..if its a weekend, or around a holiday, why, they have to make time for family.
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h3althnut says:Posted: 28 Mar 10
Ladies, get a grip. Why do we (including me in the past) continue to play their game? Read Steve Harvey's book, "Act like a lady, think like a man". I read it last year and stopped engaging in the games men play. I am a "keeper" and refuse to lower my standards for anyone. A real man will step up to plate and respect me, and himself, for this. Do I date as much as before? No. But am I hurt as often? No to that one also. Respect is a two way street and if I give him all of the power (including mine) we are doomed from the start. I hope this opens up the eyes of many, to learn about herself!
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homesteader says:Posted: 27 Mar 10
Some Men will knot wait forever / Women who promise are a Dime -a- Dozen . At this space in time that amounts to $ 1.20 which will only purchase one loaf of bread . This loaf and giving a man a fish will feed him for one meal / Where-as if you teach him to fish , you will find him setting on a riverbank drinking beer as he waits to catch that Big one , LOL . Time is very Precious / many Ladies here wasted mine . God Bless them all as one thought ; I was worthy of a Chance and came to me , long before I " Disappeared " from this Date Ting site . You get what you pay for / the early bird catches the worm or in Simple terms ; She who Hesitates is Lost , Hehe . You Ladies are correct in thinking that these words online do knot show a Man's worth / neither do they show a Ladies Love . Some win / some lose , yet you must play the game . It is called " Life " in which Men's Feelings are Equal to Women's Feelings and it takes 100% effort on both sides to Complete .
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roseroyce says:Posted: 27 Mar 10
I know how all of you feel about the dissappearing act. I was in a 6 month relationship that was long distance. I knew in the beginning that it wasn't going to work. He lives in a different country, but he conveinced me that where their is a will their is a way. What got me was he flew 15 hours to spend a holiday with me and insisted on meeting my family & friends. When my family and friends met him they all loved him and commented we were a perfect match. He went on a trip. The first few days of his trip he emailed me and let me know how much he missed me and would never take another trip without me. After two weeks I did not hear from him. Then he contacted me appolized and then a few days passed and again no email or calls.Then I get an email stating he does not love me anymore be patient. I would email him to get some closure or explanation. I received no response One day he can't do with out me and within two days his love has eroded. Puzzling.
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kissime says:Posted: 27 Mar 10
Ladies and Gentlemen, know your worth. By the age of 30 we all should know the truth... He's not calling you because he does not want to talk to you...consider that your closure and move on. Making love/having sex is not a commitment. There are so many great men and women waiting for a monogamous relationship-stop wasting your energy crying over someone who stopped calling you. How are you to meet the love of your life if you're constantly asking why I'm not getting a call? If you're going to have sex out side of marriage, most likely you'll have a few Vanishing sexual encounters-posing as prospectives. And without a clue disappears without a trace. Cest La vie. It was good while it lasted. STOP CRYING ABOUT IT. Women, we tend to be more emotional than men-if you can't handle the possible pain of rejection after sex...close your legs. Men, if you just want sex, just say so...yes you may not get to bang that particular woman, but I promise, not too far away you'll find a warm-detached kitty. Self-pity tears have created salty rivers across for centuries. Learn already...I can just back hand slap ya!. I'm not trying to be mean, seriously, I'm just telling the truth. I've shed a few tears, and I know I've caused a few tears--after a while crying over people who apparently can't even remember your last name is just foolish. It wasn't love. It Was SEX or a one way dream. When you meet the love of your life, tears will only be memories. Sunshine on a rainy day and pleasurable sex and all the greatness of it's power will definitely tickles your fancy. Love ~Kissime~
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jeanneom says:Posted: 26 Mar 10
Men "disappear" for a myriad of reasons: he could be married, not that into you, or seeing other women (or men these days) that he does not want you to know about. Immature, they may act like high schoolers, interested only in superficialities and hooking up with a sexy girl just to see how many "shorties" he can get. In my experience it appears that we women (being internal) find it more difficult to be dating around. We generally prefer exclusivity and loyalty . Some men want loyalty from the women, but they want to sneak with other women. It is very immature, duplicitous, and cowardly. We women have to stop hopping into bed so quickly. Get to know the guy on an intimate emotional level before you are sexually intimate. Saves a lot of heart ache and drama. You can take it as practice for when the right one comes along, or take it as a lesson, but do not make the same mistake twice. If a loser leaves you, so what? There are good men out there. We need to look beyond the superficial, money, position, etc. and look to the heart. Again, this requires restraint on our parts and some "real" emotional intimacy first.
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501venus says:Posted: 26 Mar 10
It hurts to feel so dejected. It makes me wonder if I can ever "trust" someone to be close and not disappear. After all the time we spent getting to know each other, he did not have the decency nor respect to be upfront, direct and open with him.
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501venus says:Posted: 26 Mar 10
I am experiencing the very thing. It is very disrespectful, inconsiderate, controlling/punishing, dejecting and mean to act in such a manner. I do not think this is a "man" thing, but rather, a coward's way out. I would respect and admire a man for being direct and upfront than, hide and slither away. He was attentive, demonstrative, and funny. "HE" would initiate calling me up to five to six times in the day. "He" would return calls quickly and leave cutesy voice messages. The very next day after he slept with me, things changed for the indifferent. "I" started calling him in the morning to wish him a good day and it might take several hours if that for him to return the calls. "I" no longer was cute in how I said things, it was irritating to him how "I was too detailed". "I" would make an effort to spend time with him, and all of sudden, he had made plans to hang out with his friends (how he managed to do it when he said he needed to cut down on his calling during the day and focus on his work, is a mystery). One particular night, we are on the phone being silly, laughing, giggling and what I thought was a nice connection when we ended the call. The very next morning I called up at the beginning of his day to ask if he was available that night because I had the opportunity to take off. He disappeared like a ghost in the night. After five days, nothing. Absolutely no email, voice mail and/or face-to-face confrontation explaining his disappearing act. I was totally blindsided by him. I didn't see it coming, there was no argument, no tension, and no conflict.
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gjones66216 says:Posted: 26 Mar 10Don't date rebounders. I don't and I wouldn't advise anyone to unless you want something quick and non-committal. I think that the observations and possible reasons are accurate. Does it work the other way (women disappearing)? Yes, it does. Life does go on!
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Miss_Jude says:Posted: 25 Mar 10
There's a term for those men who keep disappearing and popping up when it suits 'emotionally unavailable'. Sadly, there are a few of them hanging about on this site.....best left well alone, they never change.
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rose1866 says:Posted: 24 Mar 10I'm experiencing a Southern guy like this vanishing guy. He called for two weeks to see how everything is going, go out for a lunch or dinner and I started to think that everything is OK. Then gone. Six months later, it starts all over again. A call here or a dinner there. I basically stopped the calls with "I'm busy right now" or "I'm just about to run out with some friends, talk to you later." But will be truly sitting on my couch, with a pizza and a movie. I think he can't really commit to the relationship (His two divorces) and just want to know that I'm still there. He never around long enough for real conversations and for me to tell him that I have moved on and was looking for someone new after the second six month break (three years of this.)
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ImHer says:Posted: 24 Mar 10
Walk away an never look back. Waste of time trying to figure them out. I'd rather be alone than chase after someone for ANY reason.
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homesteader says:Posted: 24 Mar 10
Men ; These are people with " Feelings " also / did you waste his time by making him wait " Too Long " ? The Early Bird catches the worm / and some are Nightcrawlers looking for Premium fish . Knot just sitting on the cold ground baiting hooks / eaten alive by Teasers . Bottomline; Limitations
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I believe we all will move on and recover. However, it simply is a sad statement. When one is unable to communicate and be open with another, they aren't willing and unable to love and give attention, affection and respect. One may be trying to read all the signs and warnings to protect oneself from getting injured and/or hurt. But no one can predict each and everyone's behavior at all given times. It happens under the best and worst situations. Prisons are full of people of people convicted and sometimes wrongly convicted of crimes they knowingly and intentionally did. It takes a leap of faith to fall in love, and a leap of faith to hope one can meet someone compatible. The moment we lose that faith, the moment we stop being able to give and receive love unconditionally.