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Why men love women who love themselves

Posted by Ria, 04 Jan

This Christmas I got a gift I needed most – a lesson on why women must assert themselves when it comes to love issues.

I should have been on a date with my guy but instead, I choose to curl up on my couch doing something I find more edifying. Yes! Reading a book! My pal gave me, ‘Why Men Love Women Who Love Themselves’ and it's the best thing I have done for myself this year. It's so good that I have switched off my phone against all interruptions – I don’t even want my better half calling me coz tonight he is my bitter half.

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“Are you tired of sitting around on Saturday nights, waiting for him to call you and come up with a plan?᾿ goes the author (a woman) who - point taken - is described as a happily married for the last like 15 years. “Well then, stop doing it!᾿ Damn! I like this book already and I haven’t even gotten to the second paragraph.

“Get off that couch and get a life of your own. Don’t sit around waiting for him to come with an activity plan. Get one for yourself. After all, no man likes a woman who acts like her whole life revolves around him.᾿

But it gets worse. “Do you sit around all day, filing your nails and waiting for him to call, and when he does, drop everything you are doing just to be with him? Pathetic!᾿

Well, pathetic indeed. Come to think of it, how many women do exactly that … every Friday and Saturday night? I must admit I am even flushing from embarrassment. It’s like the author is actually addressing me. A woman who puts her life on hold for a man :roll:

Before I know it, I am so engrossed in this book. Chapter after chapter of being slapped right back to reality. The author explains how the commandments have ruined the lives of many women, who have had to sacrifice their wants and needs to become what they think their men wants. “And yet all he wants is the feisty challenging woman who will be honest enough to let him chase after her – if that’s what she wants – or let him down easily but firmly if she decides she doesn’t want anything to do with him᾿ my heroine continues.

And she goes on to detail action plans. In a nutshell, look good to make yourself happy. And if you are happy with yourself, the whole world will fall in love with you. If you are struggling to be the person someone else imagines you to be, even you will be straining at being something you are not.

Build your own life and let him figure out how to fit into it. If Friday is beauty night, so be it … strictly. Be selfish for once. Respect yourself and your boundaries. And then he will have no choice but to respect them too.

And before I know it, it is four in the morning, making my way to bed after reading every word – even the acknowledgments. I stay awake reflecting about my life and the lives of the women around me vis a vis what I just read. Truth be told, women are the ones always bending over backward to please men.

We are the ones who learn how to cook Indian and Italian simply because he likes to eat it. We are the ones who have to go to the gym simply because he says you are fat while he eats roast meat and drinks beer and keeps growing that ugly pot. We are the ones that struggle to prove that we are faithful when we know that he is the one doing all the cheating.

Look at my ex-friend, Alice who sacrificed me for a man that still makes a pass at me whenever he sees me. Look at how many friends you have sacrificed just because you thought your guy looks at her in a manner likely to suggest that she is some candy waiting to be feasted on.

I tell myself as I sleep – Ria, it’s time to break the cycle. And it all starts with me. Isn’t it the best Christmas gift?

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  1.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 20 Apr 09

    Great article! Women should love themselves and take time for themselves because a happy woman is a better woman for a man. I believe both man and woman should be complete as people because two 1/2 people = one whole mess Men like women who have a life and it's twice as nice when she makes him feel that there's room for him in it. I'd hope some women don't think being A B*TCH will make him love you, no, you'll only end up a loney B*TCH!

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  2.   southernmoca says:
    Posted: 20 Apr 09

    I think it is true for both sexes. If you are too readily available, you are not as attractive. But the game thing I have a low tolerance for. I want to get to know you , go for it. I think with 9/11 and other disastrous things going on in this world, tomorrow is promised to no one and games are for preschoolers. Take care of yourself as a person and search for ways to evolve into a better person each day. If that person is the one, they will happily come along for the ride and see this time as a chance to improve themselves while getting to know you. I'm sorry i have no time for games.

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  3.   Alexis says:
    Posted: 26 Mar 09

    This book only means that you're just selfish and thinking only about yourself. Do you really think that you're all that? Women have to have men or the world would stop in its axis. On the other hand what bothers me about men is why the male sperm breaks the speed of sound to rush toward the egg. Going lickedy split to cram itself into that egg just goes to show you how competitive men really are. After the race is over, and the woman is pg, off the male goes to another foolish woman to be gizard gouged thinking she loves it. Sure you fools, we all fake it!

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  4.   lil_mich says:
    Posted: 13 Nov 08

    Being a woman , I feel that this topic is for a man to comment. Still I wish to have my two cents (pence) WORTH. the self centred, self love and self absorbed woman selfish woman picture it if that's what I have to be to be loved by a man, then explains my situation. lol. Balance in all things, I expect is the answer. Bottom line is that two people capable of giving and receiving love as a team, revolving their lives around each other makes the most sense to me.

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  5.   E_Me_101 says:
    Posted: 27 Aug 08

    Erm, 'tractorman' i don't really think your comment really relates to this conversation specifically and also, you are being a bit too general - even within one race you will find a wide variety of personalities...

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  6.   tractorman says:
    Posted: 31 May 08

    I Like black woman alot as i think they are alot more down to earth than whites and ALOT MORE FRIENDLY TOO,and dont have to show off like whites, Ive never been out with a black woman but id like to, I know her and me would hit it off and be good friends, white women seem so boring and self absorbed, its pathetic, I really cant stand stuck up white woman, and blacks seem just so more normal and not thinking about themselves so much, I was always bored with a white girl and this time I was talking to a black girl she was soo different and soo much fun to be with,

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  7.   HereIamBaby says:
    Posted: 27 Jan 08

    I think any man is atracted to women who azre self assured. Southern smiles, Sharon

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  8.   acuteblkguy says:
    Posted: 25 Jan 08

    well some men like myself want a woman who treats him like hes special, thats willing to give up a lil bit of themselves so we can turn that lil bit into something thats about US. i think its bad advice women to change who u are including hiding the fact u really care for a person and are willing to sacrifice some things, I think thats key to find someone who loves you for you. Ladies dont hold back. There shouldnt be rules like its a game, Its rare to find a woman these days who are totally into me or most men i know. women who are indifferent and distant are a dime a dozen, i met 6 exactly like that on this very site, and yes i'm still single because of it. If u like me say it, if ur waiting on me to call say it,or call me and u will wait no more. Ladies be assertive , in the two months i've been on here, i've only met a few really assertive women and it was great to see the confidence. waiting on someone doesnt mean you're weak, you can be actually strong in that. oh and when that assertive man comes ur way (me)...lol dont get scared or shy, we're just both looking for love right? I strongly feel i cant really find the woman who loves me for me if i dont put all the cards on the table, you hold back the guy you care about may feel cheated.

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  9.   lonelybee says:
    Posted: 25 Jan 08

    As a woman, you gotta have confidence in yourself. respect yourself very well and men will respect you. if you hurt yourself, don't expect men to love you. don't be shy as maybe that was the only chance you had not to be shy. also respect yourself and men will respect you. law of attraction applies...........

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  10.   kisambrskin says:
    Posted: 23 Jan 08

    I certainly agree with "browneyes27" this FLAKY AILMENT that men seem to suffer from is like an epidemic of some sort... I am in my mid twenties, educated, and far from naive. However, I have met a wide range of men ranging in various ages who all seem to be afflicted with this Flaky bug....

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  11.   fala says:
    Posted: 09 Jan 08

    Men? Flakey? Yeah, that sounds about right.

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  12.   browneyes27 says:
    Posted: 07 Jan 08

    Its sad that one has to be so calculative when meeting someone, its drianing and time consuming. Its not like this all over the world but I have to admit dating is very structured in the States compared to the UK. Dating in the UK is much more natural and people just go with the flow, there is no set time of when its okay to go to each others houses or how many times you call or how much money you get him to spend or if and when its okay to buy a gift. I began dating in the US in 2007 and I was in for a big shock, first of all dating in the States is like going for a job interview, you are interogated I felt like I should have brought my Resume along and he was reading his resume out to me....."I make xxx amount of money, I have this degree, I want xxx kids, I own a home, in 4yrs 2 days and 3hrs I will accomplish this blah blah blah". On my first date I went out with a co worker to dinner, I was looking for a place to rent closer to work and he happened to have a place for rent so he asked if I wanted to check it out after dinner I agreed as we were already in the area. After he showed me around the vacant Apt he took me next door to his apartment to show me what the bathroom and kitchen would look like when it was completed. Within 5 mins he launched for a kiss and his hands were everywhere I got out of the apt asap. when I told my friend about it she said "rule# 1 never go to a mans house on the first date even if you have known him a while". It wasnt't long after that all the other rules started to become apparent........ My behavior threw some of the men I dated they said I was too nice and straight forward some thought there was something wrong with me because I was'nt demanding enough or didnt play games. Which they thought was unusal for an attractive woman. Can you say "Flakey"? The men out here are extremely flakey, they step to you with such ethusiam and then they deflat like a balloon, not sure if they thought they were going to get something and get disapointed when they dont but I dont think that is the case because they deflat soooo quickly and I hardly think no gives anything up that quickly. Their so quick to bear you their hearts and dreams and how much their into you only too fall of the face of the earth within 2weeks which brings me to the assumption that they talk out of their bums...lol I have found the whole dating experience out here somewhat amusing, my friends back in London are dying of laughter. Oh I've got games and I will win always, however personally I do not have time to play games.

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  13.   oklaguy39 says:
    Posted: 07 Jan 08

    interesting article but from my stand point if you are only looking to date and not find the life long partner follow those rules. if you are looking for your life long mate you should give her or him every consideration. you should respect them and do what they need to make you both happy. if they need that phone call once a day respect them enough to do it and if need be go out of your way to make sure you do. its really not to much to ask and really they want to hear your voice to know that you are safe and everything is ok. what man or women wants to feel like your work or your friends are more important then they are?

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  14.   fala says:
    Posted: 07 Jan 08

    What about women who love themselves but hate men????

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  15.   laugh_sailor says:
    Posted: 06 Jan 08

    You rock, Aimnoire! So many have become obsessed with following dating norms that they no longer really listen to either their hearts or those they meet. I couldn't agree more that it all starts with self-respect.

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  16.   liza111 says:
    Posted: 06 Jan 08

    I think the dating game is a little bit different today. I agree with the author you need to get a life and if the guy really likes you he will show it. Todays men have to many options, and catering to his every need is not going to win his love either.

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  17.   lovemyjeans says:
    Posted: 06 Jan 08

    I actually agree w/the author and Rio. We shouldn't change our lives or put it on hold because we have a man. Unfortunately, some of us do. We stop hanging out w/our friends, and stop doing the things we like. There really is just one "rule" to dating for me....be who you are.

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  18.   fala says:
    Posted: 06 Jan 08

    I hate men who love women who hate themselves.

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  19.   Starthai says:
    Posted: 05 Jan 08

    I agree Aimnoire, that's one of the reasons why I feel like not pursuing dating anymore "Games"

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  20.   Starthai says:
    Posted: 05 Jan 08

    Great observation VT33!

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  21.   Aimnoire says:
    Posted: 05 Jan 08

    It seems so awkward, so strange. There are an enormous amount of rules when it comes to dating, I cant even remember half of all I heard. So love is bound to rules? Well I dont agree, and if you are not a person who likes playing these games, always remember there is someone out there for you too, and he/she will probably pull an ugly face with all these rules too. I talked with my mother about the dating scene, and that one mistake can be fatal for your future relationship. She replied; what is wrong with just liking eachother and spending your time together? But these days you must go against your own feelings. He calls, you want to see him so badly, you are shaking to meet him, but no you got to say you are busy and reschedule. You really want to go to bed with him, but no you cant, cause then it means you a ho who only gives guys a free ride. Everything is so bound to rules that we forget what we are dealing with; love. And you know, when it comes to love, the rules change instantly. So just let it all go and trust in love. And unless you enjoy the hunt, i wish ya all a happy hunting, feel free. The thing is, we should love ourselves to begin with and to end with, but all in the middle is free to decide. You have to take some time for yourself, to spend with your own friends. If you love yourself you dont give it all up for someone, that is true. But it doesnt mean that if he calls and you drop everything to rush over that you dont love yourself. A healthy balance, that what it is al about, and no one but ourselves knows that balance. bless ya all.

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  22.   vt33 says:
    Posted: 05 Jan 08

    Okay sounds to me this book/blog, is more about, dating narcists, and women who are blind to their behavior! Everything posted, is narcists behavior from men. Don't known what state this author lives in, men generally get bored with "feisty women". They aren't looking for the challange. Too many men today are more engrossed in their need. Sad to say, too many women are to busy indulging them, not loving themselves as they should. Sounds like a no win situation.

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  23.   HereIamBaby says:
    Posted: 05 Jan 08

    Be busy...be important...NO ONE wants someone who nobody wants!! DO NOT email them first...DO NOT call them first...DO NOT answer their flirts emails for 24 hours...DO NOT volunteer to much information...everyone loves a mystery. SOuthern smiles and world peace, Sharon

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  24.   Starthai says:
    Posted: 05 Jan 08

    Ria, I love this article, but I'm a bit confused. I used to be meaner than what I am now (no I'm not so me)I got upset the other day because a guy was pumping my gas as I walked out the gastation, I figured he was trying to talk to me the only problem he wasn't my type, I like wm. But anyway, are you stating that this is the way to get a man to be mean, because I wanted to change that about myself. I find myself experiencing a different outcome of being this way. For instance, I don't always call on scheduled time (if I call at all) and when I was with my ex, like 3 yrs ago I found myself not paying to much attention to him (just sporadic). I was tired some days from school, work and my son and would not call and check in on him, this hurted him bad and we argued a lot about how selfish he thought I was, this eventually led to us splitting up I couldn't take it anymore and neither could he. It's not that I was doing this stuff on purpose, but it's due to the life I lead I'm a busy woman I'm trying to get something going for myself so 90% of the time it's all about me and my son, which that's how it will stay. But, on the other hand I find that no man really wants to stick it out and put up with it? I don't understand I was thinking that maybe I should give up trying to find that special one (which I don't put that much effort into anyway lol..)because I felt that I'm too busy to accomadate someone else, and now I read this. So should I continue to try and date? Was it just the wrong guys that I came across that hated my so called selfishness, when really it's just the life I lead. I'm befuddled????

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  25.   floridagem says:
    Posted: 04 Jan 08

    Darn straight! I can relate! It's true that we as women, being the nuturers that we are, want to keep our guys 'happy' all the time. I mean, we like it when we coddle and please them b/c we hope to stroke their egos and soothe their self-esteem. But in the end, we do lose out b/c the challenge then wanes for them. Men, after all, do enjoy the chase. Yes, I can relate! I'm rising out of the ashes after being in a 4-yr long-distance relationship with a man who I thought cared deeply for me, but came to find out that I apparently gave him too much of myself, shared too much about myself and tried too much to 'make it work'. In the end, know what he told me? "If you loved yourself, maybe someone would fall madly in love with you". Ouch! It was the truth and it did hurt a bit being relayed by a man. I guess he cared enough to convey the truth, though tartfully, in his own way. So thanks sweetarte! And thanks Ria, for such a well-needed article! I sign out with the words of Christ: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength; and love your neighbor as you love yourself". Gotta love yourself before you can love anyone else! Great reminder for me... for 2008 is gonna be great! Blessings to all!

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